To Victor (a song lyric)

To Victor 

(a song lyric)

Coming apart...

I was coming apart at the seams

and it occurred to me

that I 

was made

by a mortal hand.

My mismatched arms,

irregular hands and feet,

just pieces

stolen

for a profane plan.

Our makers are not the same,

I know my maker by his exact name.

If God is your father

then could I not claim

to be

the son of god?

A paradise

or an eternal sleep,

did you steal me from these?

Or did you pull me

from the fires of Hell?

Did you think about me

as anything more

than the winning blow 

in your one sided war 

on death?

Our makers are not the same

I know my maker by his exact name.

If God is your father

then could I not claim

to be

the son of god?

And what sort of god would you be?

A god of horror it would seem to me.

Me, the being,

the body

that proclaims your word

of a light,

striking soulless breath 

into the stolen deaths

of pieced together lives.

Hesitations

Hesitations

When he saw the black cat step out of some shrubbery and onto the sidewalk ahead of him he stopped walking. When the black cat saw him it froze in its place as well. The cat's eyes and his locked. 

He wasn't superstitious, but for some reason that “black cat crosses your path” thing always made him hesitate momentarily when he came across an unfamiliar black cat. If the appearance of a black cat was sudden he would, just like now, actually stop walking. It was usually just a pause but it was completely involuntary. 

Breaking eye contact with the black cat he smiled flatly at the unexplainable ways of the mind, made a slight and dismissive snort, and continued on his way.

When the black cat stepped onto the sidewalk and saw the man he stopped walking and stared into the man's eyes. 

The black cat wasn't superstitious, but the old saying “Bad luck to the cat crossing a green-eyed man's path” usually always made him freeze in place and lock eyes with any green-eyed man he encountered.

The black cat narrowed his golden eyes slightly at the thought that he should possibly be concerned about anything that couldn't actually catch him. It was particularly absurd that he should be cautious about green eyes which, if need be, he could rather easily and quickly claw into an unrecognizable mess of blood.

The black cat looked away from the green-eyed man, gave a quick and dismissive flick of  his tail, and continued on his way. 

I Wanna Be Like Steve

The summer of 1988 I was a member of the grounds staff of a campground. Everyone on staff was in their late teens to mid 20s, but it wasn't like an 80s film about summer camps as it was a church owned campground. The craziest thing we ever did was drive golf carts a bit recklessly and once we ate a chocolate cake with chopsticks.

One of the staff members was a guy named Steve. He was just out of high school, tall, athletic, and slightly goofy looking...He had a face that looked like someone from the 40s or 50s. He was good-natured , earnest, and socially inept having been raised in a very conservative religious background by parents who were grandparent age.

Steve had that particular surety about his faith and world views that a lot of 18 year old guys have, but when he made a statement it sounded like it was coming from someone much older and set in his ways. I liked to talk politics and faith with him just to hear him fluster at my more left leaning views.

Probably because of his lack of self doubt when it came to his world view I developed a song about Steve, I wanna Be Like Steve, and sang sometimes when he was being obstinate or did something right or was the first to jump in when some muscle was needed.

Steve got a kick out of the song, he even taught it to the boys in his cabin when he worked as a counselor for a week. They sort of turned it on him, when he had to be tough about lights out or goofing around they'd start singing I Wanna Be Like Steve and he'd fold.

Incidentally, I wanna Be Like Steve was written several years before the "I want to be like Mike" TV ad campaign and has nothing to do with that. 


I Wanna Be Like Steve

I wanna be like Steve
6 foot 4 and slightly green
fairly smart and seldom mean
to anyone
full of youth and full of fun
knows how to get the job done...

I wanna be like Steve

I wanna be like Steve
With infrared light eyes to see
Rocks and hills, mountains and trees
for Steve to climb
with legs like trunks and arms like vines
he leaves the normal world behind

I wanna be like Steve

I wanna be like Steve
it's the only way to be
fight for truth, justice, liberty
across this land
Steve's a man's man's man's man's man
and God's gift to all women

I wanna be like Steve

Lessons From Movies and TV: Your Vacation Plans

Your dream vacation or relaxing weekend getaway will be anything but.

At best you'll discover that the incredible cabin your boss/buddy/cousin-in-law loaned you is in fact a derelict shack in a less than desirable location. Or the wonderful hotel you booked lost your reservation/looked better in the pamphlet/is also hosting a a large group of monkey owners and their monkeys for a weekend symposium titled "How to Deal With Your Problem Monkey."

If the cabin is awesome or the hotel is beautiful but oddly empty of other guests or your campsite is incredible then you really need to worry because your trip will be a horrific nightmare that will probably only be survived by one or two in your party.

The better looking your group is the more horrific the events will be. If there's one black guy in a group of white people he will end up dead first. If it's not the lone black guy it will be the person who has the most useful skills for the situation. (That person, of course, could be the lone black guy, but in general the lone black guy is on the trip just to be the first one dead.) Anyone who decides to take their chances and make a run for it will end up dead.

If you can get through to law enforcement (highly unlikely as there will be no cell service in the area or the lines will be down or the radio, which was working when you got there, won't be working for one reason or another) they won't believe you when you tell them of the hell going on all around you. But if they do believe you and they actually show up they will either end up dead as soon as they step out of the car or will be in cahoots with whoever or whatever is causing problems.

But don't get all relieved and relaxed if you're the lucky one or two who get home alive because the person/creature you're pretty danged sure you killed in a fantastic explosion which blew up the cabin/hotel/campsite (yet fortunately did not start a massive forest fire) will find your house. Or you will end up returning to that same cabin/hotel/campsite either out of sheer stupidity or because you're the only one who can help a group of people going through the hell you went through.

Most all of the above will apply to any cross country backpacking/hitchhiking/road trip you decide to undertake.

There is an exception to all of the above: If you didn't want to go on the trip in the first place you will probably have a life changing experience (for the better) or you will be the one who escapes the hell.

But...If you didn't want to go on the trip in the first place and everyone else in your party/on the cruise/at the resort is having a wonderful time then you will have a really horrible time and be the person who gets thrown by the horse that "anyone can ride" or wanders into the poison oak or is served a bowl of dog food instead of the stew everyone else got. But stick with it as you will learn a valuable life affirming lesson in the end.

(written 2012)

Lessons From Movies and TV: Chess

In movies and on TV no one ever  plays chess just for the enjoyment of it. Chess is only played because...

The player is a genius.

The player feels obligated to not let down a chess playing father or grandfather.

The player is a spy and the moves are actually codes.

The player is missing/has been murdered/is a serial murderer and the game on the player's (or the victim's) chess board is actually a secret message. (If it's not a secret message it's a an extremely valuable clue.)

The chess game is actually a metaphor for war/the interaction between rivals/life, the universe, and everything.

Lessons From Movies and TV: Not Dying in the Bath

If you know there's someone who might want to kill you don't take a bath with a TV or a radio or any plugged in electrical appliance sitting near by. The person who wants to kill you will show up and after some pithy or innocuous dialog he/she will throw the electrical appliance into the tub with you and then you will be dead.

This is also a valuable lesson if you know there is a mystical force attempting to kill you. But the mystical force will not engage you in dialog before dumping the electrical appliance into the tub.

Also mystical forces will kill you in the tub even if there is no electrical appliance near by. So if you know there's a mystical force trying to kill you just stay away from taking baths.

If you are avoiding taking baths and opt for showers instead be sure to watch out for shower curtains as they can be used by people and mystical forces to smother or strangle you.


(written 2012)

Lessons From Movies and TV

There are some things which are apparently so important for the world to know that movies and TV show them to us over and over and over again.

For example, don't worry if you get paired up with someone you can't stand on a job or project because in a fairly short period of time the two of you will be the best of friends or in love.

Some other things I've learned from movies and TV...


When you're out of bullets throw the gun.

No matter how big the event or popular the restaurant you're going to you will find a parking space right in front.

If you're trying to hide from someone hide up (on the ceiling, a ladder, a bookshelf, etc). No on ever looks up when they're looking for someone.

If you discover a bag of white powder and you're wondering if it's drugs just lick a finger, dip it in the powder, and taste it. If it tastes like drugs it probably is drugs.

Walk in to any bar or diner and not only will you find an old fashioned coin operated juke box but that juke box will have at least one really cool record in it.

If you discover something really bad about the company you work for or your boss or a powerful coworker and you tell it in confidence to a trusted colleague and the trusted colleague is shocked to hear of your discovery and then asks "Have you told anyone else this?" and you reply "No, just you." your trusted colleague will then kill you or try to kill you shortly after your revelation.

If you're going away for the weekend and you don't think your teenage kids will have a party they will have a party, even if you tell them not to have a party.

If you're a cop and a suspect is running away don't bother hollering "Stop in the name of the law!" or "Stop! Police!" because  they will not stop.


(written 2012)

Consumer

I'm excited about the new Nature Valley granola product I saw earlier today in Target. I'm so excited I decided not to buy it and just ride the thrill for awhile.

Later today, at home eating cheese and crackers, I saw an ad on TV for the new Nature Valley granola product. I didn't regret having not purchased the product and it was kind of exciting to see a new product on TV that I had just seen in the store. Not as exciting as seeing a prop in a movie that I or someone I know owns, but still exciting.


(written 8/31/2010)

Nonsense, Nothing, and You

You.

You and your blank stare and a slight wetness at the back of your lips as you read and hope to see something happen in front of your eyes.

Sorry, that isn't going to happen.

What is going on right now as I write now is nothing.

Nothing is happening in front of your eyes.

In your mind the nothing is just creating the vaguest spark of something, much like a battery which has just enough juice in it to make you believe what you want to happen is going to happen but there's not enough juice to see it through.

This isn't about the juice of your mind, this is about the juice of my words which are so juice-less they're like a handful of cornflakes in your mind's mouth.

Your mind is chewing and you're thinking "These words would go much better with milk, I wonder if anyone has ever thought of that." 

(Yes, they have.)

Having thought the above you also think "These dry words taste like cornflakes and cornflakes without milk and sugar essentially taste like wallpaper paste." 

And you're right.

But what I want to know is: When did you taste wallpaper paste?


(written 8/30/10)

Rhetorical Answers

This was a post about an Oktoberfest event:

Like beer? 
Like milking cows? 
How 'bout sawing logs? 
Drinking beer? 
Holding beer steins? 
Dancing like a chicken? 
Eating sausages, pretzels and sauerkraut? 
How 'bout drinking beer? 
Got a dirndl or lederhosen just hanging in your closet begging to be worn? 
How 'bout any other 'non-traditional' headwear that you just can't wear anywhere else? 
Like being in an environment where public drunken behavior is not only permitted, but encouraged? 
(BONUS: Do you know what "electrolysis" has to do with any of this?) 

If you answered YES to any/all of these questions, well, hold on to your keg-hat and styrofoam stein my friend, because the time has come! Yep, I drive by it every day - the tent is up!! 




Questions were asked so I provided answers:


Like beer? 

Yes.

Like milking cows? 

No interest really. But I milked goats when I was a kid (no pun intended). It was OK. Can't say I liked it.

How 'bout sawing logs? 

If you mean sleep, yeah. Actually cutting wood I don't mind but it's never on my Fun Things To Do! lists.

Drinking beer? 

Didn't we already cover this?

Holding beer steins? 

I do if they're full of beer (which I like drinking, see above). But just holding a beer stein for the sake of holding a beer stein does nothing for me.

Dancing like a chicken? 

No.

Eating sausages, pretzels and sauerkraut? 

Yes.

How 'bout drinking beer? 

Never heard of it.

Got a dirndl or lederhosen just hanging in your closet begging to be worn? 

No. But I have a Rockmount tie with a picture of a cowboy riding the range on it which I've never worn.

How 'bout any other 'non-traditional' headwear that you just can't wear anywhere else? 

All my "headwear" is traditional and I wear it when and where I want.

Like being in an environment where public drunken behavior is not only permitted, but encouraged? 

Yes to the first one, no to the second.

(BONUS: Do you know what "electrolysis" has to do with any of this?) 

No bonus points for me.

If you answered YES to any/all of these questions, well, hold on to your keg-hat and styrofoam stein my friend, because the time has come! Yep, I drive by it every day - the tent is up!! 

STYROFOAM™ is a registered trademark for a line of foam products manufactured exclusively by The Dow Chemical Company. They ask that you follow these guidelines when specifying STYROFOAM Brand Foam:


* When the word "STYROFOAM" appears in copy, it should be in upper case letters and followed by the words "Brand Foam." For example: 

STYROFOAM Brand Foam 

Everything All At Once. With Penguins.

Everything happens at the same time, more or less. By which I mean at this moment everything that is going to happen at this moment is happening even if this moment may not be this moment where something in particular is happening.

Here, let me draw you this diagram using a hundred or so trillion dancing penguins to represent everything that is happening and a wheel of Swiss cheese to represent this moment. (Ignore the holes in the Swiss cheese, they aren't meant to represent an absence in the absolute of this moment, they are merely there as part of the Swiss cheese even though that means that part of what makes Swiss cheese Swiss cheese is the absence of Swiss cheese in certain places. So I guess anytime you happen to be in the absence of Swiss cheese you may actually be in the presence of a part of Swiss cheese.)

So penguins and a wheel of Swiss cheese.  And a dance number. Something simple, choreographed to a player piano piece. No hats or canes for the penguins, I don't want to make this confusing.

5 or 15 notes or bars (or whatever we chop music up into in order to make sure penguins make the right move at the right time), each penguins does a spin on its left foot. On the note (yes, I'll go with notes) DINK. The music goes dunk dunk DINK and on DINK the penguins spin on their left feet. Or to put it almost exactly the same way: In the moment of DINK all penguins spin on their left feet.

But apparently the moment of DINK does not occur for all the penguins at the same time. Or so people with jobs which impress former classmates at high school reunions have told me. (That's what I meant by "apparently.")

So in the moment of DINK 50 trillion penguins might spin as choreographed, but another 25 trillion might be experiencing the second moment of dunk and the final 25 or so trillion penguins are experiencing the first moment of dunk.

Technically the moment of DINK is not happening all at once but still everything is happening at once.

I think.

There is a really good chance I'm completely wrong about this especially as I don't care whether I'm completely wrong. That's not to say I'm reckless, it's just to remind you that you didn't pay for any of this nor did I even ask you to read it. I just needed to distract you long enough to try and synch up a particular moment for spectacular results which do not involve dancing penguins or Swiss cheese (in it's presence or absence).

But you already knew that because I just told you.


(written 5/22/10)

How To Put Too Fine A Point On It

There is no evidence in brochures or ads from the period of pink being a primary color for the original inlays prior to the 1967 relaunch.

The pink inlay examples that were made during the original period are all from northern California and were not actually part of the original product line. They were custom fitted by Karikson's son-in-law, J. Polkner, who had a small metal fabrication and electroplating business, PolKner LTD. Karikson-Co sold Polkner LTD pieces that were 90% completed and Polkner LTD did inlays as ordered by their generally more upscale clients.

Most of Polkner's colors were similar to Karikson's original colors but the names were different. This wasn't an issue of copyright, just creative preferences. Karikson-Co's names had various inspirations, PolKner LTD usually went with a nautical/beach theme. Some examples :


Karikson-Co..............................Polkner LTD

Blaze••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••Sundown
Peacock•••••••••••••••••••••••••••Aqua Wave
Lemon Mist••••••••••••••••••••••••Chiffon Sail
Forest•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••Green Seas
Cloud••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••Beach Sand
Limelight•••••••••••••••••••••••••••Key Lime
Cinamon•••••••••••••••••••••••••••Port Light




The main color differences were Karikson-Co's black, brown, and gray ("Night", "Coffee", and "Silver"), and Polkner LTD's pink, terra cotta, blue, and light blue ("Flamingo", "Puerto", "Mediterranean," and "Polynesian").


(written 07/05/08)

Post Comment

I'm sorry if I step on any toes here, but I agree with the OP. This is just the sorta unregulated over moderated liberal conservative populist snobbery wishy washy mish-mashery that is the reason gnomes have begun to replace trolls, sharks are now walking on land, the sky is green (and falling) at the edges, and cows feel it's all right to mosey about all day sayin' "Ooom-oom-oooooooooom!"

Sure, we all want free ice water and a heart felt "Hey there!" from our dry cleaner, but when I first got into this hobby you could get two Snicker's bars for 95 cents at most places, what's-his-name was still in office, and the average gas station restroom powdered hand soap dispenser actually had soap in it!

 Now you're lucky if you can find medium brown shoe laces and are frequently stuck having to go with dark brown ones which pert near always look like black and generally require a lotta explanation.

So what's next? Blue grenadine? Extra EXTRA Crispy chicken at KFC? "America's Next Top Ramen"? C'mon!

If it comes to that I just have to quote that famous line "Now with more figs!" because clearly it's so small it can go anywhere making it convenient for home, office, school or leisure.

If that's "un-American" then call me Harvey (Or "Hank") and use the white courtesy telephone when you do!


(written 10/09/06)

My Opponent

My opponent has used his position to 

• Mislay taxpayer money and dry-cleaning orders
• Park for 5, even 7 minutes in 3 Minute Passenger Loading Only zones
• Get free water, salt, and pepper at area restaurants
• Enter major retail stores through the EXIT ONLY doors
• Place stamps on pre-addressed envelopes outside of the Place Stamp Here rectangle. 

He has also been known on numerous occasions to refer to small pea gravel as medium pea gravel, and has attempted to order breakfast at local cafes and chain restaurants after the noted end of breakfast time. 

It's time fer a change! 

(written 9/23/06)

VOTE: CHEESE & CRACKERS!

From 2/21/10, an exchange between GROG and me in Tiki SHOUT! the chatroom on Tiki Central.


woofmutt: CHEESE & CRACKERS!!!

GROG: Cheese and Crackers suck. Peanutbutter and Jelly REIGNS!

woofmutt: It is true, Peanut Butter & Jelly do reign...They have reigned for decades. And it is time to put an end to their tyrannical dinner monarchy!

We the People have the right to VOTE for our dinner, not have a dinner based solely on lineage and tradition forced upon us!

END THE REIGN OF PEANUT BUTTER & JELLY!!!

VOTE: CHEESE & CRACKERS!

Rise & Shout!

Good morning Tiki-Landia! Today is Friday, February fifth, two thousand ten and this is...Rise & SHOUT!

Today on Rise & SHOUT!...He's the hottest star you've never heard of in the coolest movie you've never seen...Howard Schlesinger, star of the underground indie cult art house romantic comedy sci-fi action movie One Thing is the Law, Another Thing Is You... 

Yikes, lovers! It's almost Valentine's Day! How would you like to be able to make home made peppermint patties for that special someone? Well Rise & SHOUT!'s mad scientist cook Mac Whatsit is going to be here to show us how!

Best selling author Patsy Sobile chat's with Rise & SHOUT!'s Carrie Myunberrie about her latest pop-up historical romance novella Smuggler's Heart...

And we have a hilarious commentary from Rise & SHOUT!'s Mad Dog Mike about why you can never find a pencil when you need one. Then later we'll be joined by hot new western swing noise band The Flying Butt Dresses to rock us into the weekend!

All that and more on Rise & SHOUT!

Now, this news...



(Posted at 8 AM on 2/5/10 in Tiki SHOUT! the chat room of Tiki Central)

Ice Bucket Challenge

People are still complaining about the Ice Bucket Challenge. It's almost as if a favorite TV show was cancelled for no reason or M&Ms got rid of the yellow M&Ms.

I don't get appeal of the Ice Bucket Challenge in that it's not really all that clever, but I also don't like Taylor Swift and look how popular she is. But these past few weeks I have heard ALS discussed in the media more than I have in my entire life. (And part of that discussion has been correctly calling it "ALS" which I'm definitely for. It's not Lou Gehrig's disease if you're the one dying from it.)

Although the Ice Bucket Challenge might seem dumb and all about our "Look at me!" social media society I know for a fact that people with ALS, their families, and their friends are happy to see the raised awareness of a really awful disease. And a fair chunk of money has been raised from all this ice water goofiness. That money may do nothing for finding a cure but money also goes to assist people with ALS.

Last year I saw plenty of people complaining about the rash of marriage equality symbols that flooded Facebook. The main negative comment was that everyone changing their profile pics wouldn't actually do anything for creating marriage equality. That was true, but it raised awareness which led to media coverage and discussions public and private. And more importantly it meant a hell of a lot to people who are/were banned from getting married.

As for the complaint that the Ice Bucket Challenge wastes water…Hey, it's great that some people are actually aware of how valuable water is. Keep that awareness fresh in mind, folks. We'll need it.

Sure the Ice Bucket Challenge water could be put to better use, and the wood and paint and drywall used to make sets for stupid TV shows and awful movies could be used to build low income housing.

The amount of water wasted in the Ice Bucket Challenge is almost statistically insignificant when it comes to all the fresh clean water we thoughtlessly use ever day in the US.

If 1 million people have done the Ice Bucket Challenge and they used 5 gallons of water each that would be…Yes, that's right; 5 million gallons of water. That is a lot of water.

In the US there are between 300 and 350 million toilets. For ease of numbers let's say the gallons of water per flush (GPF) is 2. (US toilets run from around 1.28 GPF in high efficiency models to 7 GPF in old toilets. 1.6 GPF is the Federal maximum allowed in new toilets.) And let's say that each US toilet is flushed just once a day. (Ha!) That's at least 600 million gallons of usually clean water used ever day just to get rid of our bodily waste. (I found numbers on the Internet, which is how you can check my numbers if you like.)

And that's just our toilets. We also thoughtlessly use or waste perfectly clean water every day running the tap til it's warm or cold, taking 20 minute showers, washing cars just so they look pretty, keeping lawns and golf course green, or flushing the toilet because there's a tissue we just blew our nose on in there.

You can go find the numbers if you like, I'll just say the amount of clean water we use everyday is way way WAY beyond all the buckets of ice water that will be poured over heads for the Ice Bucket Challenge.

The good news for all the critics is that the Ice Bucket Challenge will be gone real soon. Unfortunately ALS will still be around. But thanks to some goofy late summer trend more people are now aware of ALS than ever were before.

Of course as many critics are quick to point out awareness in itself can't do anything but it can lead to things being done. At the very least awareness can be a bit of cold comfort to a person with ALS or his/her family members who don't have to explain to another acquaintance or stranger what ALS is.

Bright Spot in a Dark Future

The one bright spot of the machines becoming our overlords? Machines won't care about grammar, spelling, or punctuation. "Teh gay!" will be a standard machine disapproval comment. Then, as the machine shocks you with a cattle prod a sad face emoticon will cross its visual display screen and it'll say "w00t! EPIC FAIL!!! EPIC FAIL!!!"


(June 2010)

Paint Story

I was writing a friend about wasting a lot of time on pieces which most likely fail to interest anyone when finished and I was reminded of this story...

On a visit to my folks one day in the late 80s my mom gave me a small blank canvas and wanted me to make a piece for her.

"What do you want me to paint?" I asked.

"Just whatever," she replied.

Knowing she probably wouldn't care for the abstract expressionistic cartoony collage and paint and pen and pencil nonsense I liked to spread around flat surfaces I suggested she tell me what she had in mind and I'd head in that direction.

"I just want you to make something that's yours," she said.

So I took the canvas and eventually took it on. It was one of my "serious" pieces, the type which take way more time than anyone would realize by looking at it because I keep coming back and tweaking, adding layers, trying to get the feeling right. (There are far better ways to waste one's time, by the way, such as watching reruns of "Friends" or reading the Weekly World News.)

Almost a year later I had completed the piece and despite her wishes I had tried to make something with mom in mind, a piece she'd at least find visually appealing in the color and some of the found objects I'd mashed into the mess.

I sent the piece to mom via a family friend traveling my folks way. Being my family I of course never heard whether or not she received it.

A month or so after I'd sent off the piece I was on the phone with mom and asked if she'd got it. She had.

"So what'd yuh think?" I asked

"What was I supposed to think?" she replied.

"Do you like it?"

"What's to like? It's just a mess of stuff. We can't figure out what it is."

"You told me to make one of my pieces."

"I meant a painting..."

"That is a painting."

"I meant a painting of something you could tell what it was."

"Well I asked you to tell me what you wanted."

"I wanted you to make a piece of your art..."

And so on.

Later that year I was at the folks house and asked where the piece was.

"I think it's in the hall," mom said.

I looked, it wasn't in the hall.

"Oh that's right, I put it in our bedroom."

I went in the bedroom. I didn't see the piece.

"It's by the book case," mom replied to a hollered query.

I looked around the book case. Not there. I hollered another question down the hall.

"On one of the shelves," mom answered.

The book case was packed and I couldn't figure out how the piece was was sitting on one of the shelves. Then I spotted it on the bottom shelf. It was under a pile of books. I pulled it out and took it home with me.

The piece hung around my place for a few years. One day a friend's girlfriend saw it and commented she liked it and wondered if I could make her a piece like it some day. I took the piece of the wall and handed it to her, and said "Here, it's yours."


(June 2010)

Hot Dog Tartare

My take on classic Steak Tartare...Hot Dog Tartare. It's easy to make and perfect for summer. Enjoy!

Hot Dog Tartare

1 lb. "raw" hot dogs
2 T yellow mustard
2 T sweet relish
1 T ketchup

1/4 cup finely chopped onion
1/4 cup sauerkraut squeezed dry and chopped fine
1 fried egg

Finely chop the hot dogs. Mix the chopped hot dogs, mustard, sweet relish, and ketchup together. Put in refrigerator to chill at least two hours.

To serve: Mound the Hot Dog Tartare on a chilled plate. Place the chopped onions on one side of the Hot Dog Tartare, the chopped sauerkraut on the other. Top the Hot Dog Tartare with the fried egg.

Serve with toasted thin slices of hot dog bun.

Chili Dog Tartare

Omit the mustard, relish, and ketchup and mix the chopped hot dogs with a 1/2 cup of cold chili. Replace the chopped sauerkraut with 1/4 finely diced American cheese.


(June 2010)

One Aternoon in March

Late in the afternoon on Friday, March 26th I was in Chinatown. The sun was out and there was some great light on the old buildings and I was wandering around taking useless photos. I took the above shot of the tree and poles and wires and stepped a few feet west to see the other side of the building. As I was looking up at the building a pigeon shit in my mouth.

No, my mouth was not wide open, it was just open enough that as the pigeon shit made an angular splash across my face and shoulder a dollop of it landed right inside the corner of my mouth.

As I began spitting the slightly salty and acidic but otherwise flavorless pigeon shit (now you know) out of my mouth I wasn’t so much disgusted by the immediate situation as I was concerned about all the diseases one might be exposed to via pigeon shit. Yes, it was disgusting, but the idea that I could become “Patient X” for the next wave of deadly bird flu was really really annoying.

I grabbed a bandana I usually have in my satchel and wiped the affected part of my mouth. I was spitting and cussing when a semi-present possibly drunk woman who had been the one human witness to the pigeon’s triumph commented on the birds shitting on people.

"One just shit in my mouth," I told her.

"Oh," she replied, "Oh yeah, the birds they...I'll remember you."

Unimpressed with the impression I had made I headed around the corner to Bush Gardens where I was meeting friends for Happy Hour. I walked in and right to the bar and said to the bartender "I'm going to be having a drink, but first I need a glass of water because a pigeon just shit in my mouth." He didn't even hesitate and gave me a glass of water.

I headed to the bathroom and rinsed. I noticed the soap dispenser, added a small shot to the glass, swirled, and rinsed. I did that again, and again, and again, and again.

My phone rang, it was Sparky. He and Cookie had just arrived at Bush Gardens and he was asking where I was.

I am in the Bush Gardens bathroom because the second worst thing that can happen to someone in the city just happened to me."

"A bum shit on you," Sparky replied without hesitating.

"I said the second worst thing."

"A bum puked on you."

"Ok, the FOURTH worse thing," I said, skipping what I knew would be number three.

"A bird shit on you," he said again without hesitation.

"Not on me," I replied, "A pigeon shit in my mouth."

“What, were you staring up at the sky with your mouth wide open?” he asked.

Sparky had called from the bar and I told him to buy me vodka so I could rinse with that. I figured having a pigeon shit in your mouth was probably on a list of situations that allowed you to demand a friend buy you a drink.

I walked back to the bar and handed the bartender the glass.

"It's been rinsed with lots of soap and water,” I told him so he wouldn't think I had brought back a glass covered in spit and pigeon shit.

"You know that's good luck," the bartender said to me.

"A pigeon shitting in your mouth is good luck?" I asked incredulously.

"Yes, good luck. People get shit on by birds, it's good luck."

"I think you're just making that up, but thanks."

I asked Sparky if he'd got me a vodka. Sparky said the booze would have to be at least 50% alcohol in order to be effective.

"You should get a shot of 151," he said.

I asked the bartender if they had 151 rum. He said they did and I ordered a shot.

“I got this,” the bartender said refusing my money. I think he knew the incredible luck I had brought into the bar meant it would be a profitable evening. I tipped him a couple bucks, headed back to the bathroom, and on the way took a good big sip of the rum and rinsed.

“I think that was a mistake,“ I thought having forgotten the feel of 151 in the mouth. My tongue, cheeks, and roof of my mouth felt as if they were giving up their outer layer of skin.

I walked into the bathroom and spit the 151 in the sink. I added some water to the remainder and rinsed again and followed that up with a few more rinses. There was one other guy in the bathroom and I apologized for all the rinsing and spitting into the sink.

“A pigeon shit in my mouth,” I explained.

“You should by a lottery ticket,” he replied.


(March 2010)

What's a littel?

What's a littel? A littel is a the smallest variety of lentil!

Littels are typically 3/4 the size of standard lentils but the most prized littels are those that are half the size of standard lentils. These "petit littels" are the littel of choice for Salade Froide de Littel a traditional dish from Northern France.

Littels are mentioned in the Bible as their small size was often used as a point of comparison.

"To hold one joy the width of a littel is better than to dwell in a mansion of sorrow. Proverbs 33:12



(March 2010)

Monkey Lamp Light

It was only because of the late hour,
pencil, paper, wine,
and dim monkey lamp light
that we figured
and rechecked the figuring
and concluded:
If you tilt your head sideways
while squinting and smiling
as hard as you can
you will see
all that is beautiful
for that moment.
And as a bonus feature
of sorts,
hovering between the moments,
a little of what was
and a little of what will be
and a lot of where we came from
and definite proof
of where we will be
one hundred years
from tonight.


(written March 2010)

The Baby Jesus Twins!

The Baby Jesus Twins! Infant sons of God sent to Earth to aid mankind during these troubled times!

The Baby Jesus Twins! A Do-Good Divine Duo helping those in need and freaking out fundamentalists everywhere!

The Baby Jesus Twins! Two-as-one as one part of the three-as-one Godhead!

The Baby Jesus Twins! Each endowed with unique Gifts-O-God Powers!

Gold Baby Jesus The fiery fundamental Baby Jesus! “No man cometh unto the father but by me.”
Gifts-O-God powers include:
•    Water Walking Ability
•    Dead Raiser Vision
•    Kung-Fu Grip
•    Temple Turnover Terror

Silver Baby Jesus The easygoing, friendly Baby Jesus! “God is love.”
Gifts-O-God powers include:
•    Healing Hands
•    Full Immersion Submersibility
•    Glam-Blast Glitter Ray


The Baby Jesus Twins!
Here that They might kick Evil’s ass and kick it more abundantly!


(December 2009)

Blood Moon

One evening when I was a kid my family was leaving some friends home and we saw that the rising moon was deep red. We hadn't heard any talk of an eclipse and it wasn't harvest season (when dust or smoke from burning fields could create red moons).

So being fundamentalist Protestant Rapture believing Christians we of course immediately wondered if the red moon had a supernatural meaning. This was terrifying to me even though we were pre-Tribulationists so we knew we'd have been Raptured before the moon turned to blood (which isn't supposed to happen til well into the Tribulation).

But my church (Nazarene) also didn't believe in the notion of "Once in Grace" which meant that even though you were a Born Again Christian you could still lose your salvation IMMEDIATELY by doing one sinful thing which meant that you'd be left behind if the Rapture happened or go straight to Hell if you died in your sleep. That sort of believing keeps people constantly on edge, especially before bed time or if an unexplained blood colored moon rises in the sky.

Standing on the front porch staring at the red moon the adults briefly compared notes as to what they knew were signs of the End Times and how the mystic bits of the Book of Revelation were supposed to unfold. A blood moon only fit in one spot and they figured we couldn't be at that spot so everyone decided that the surprise red moon was probably just a natural phenomenon. (Happily they did actually believe in science and natural phenomenon.)

Still, I wasn't entirely happy until on the way home I saw the moon gradually turn back to its normal color. 

What's a library?

In a PM to a friend I mentioned I was at the library.

Friend: What's a library?

Woofmutt: A library is a place where poor/cheap people go to check out CDs and DVDs, use computers, make loud phone calls, and let their screaming children run around unsupervised.

To help reduce the noise of people making phone calls and screaming children libraries have shelves full of bound reams of paper called "books." These books help absorb sound or keep it from traveling very far.

The Game As I Saw It

The Seahawks yack yack important game yack yack yack and I was on Facebook and of course people had to share their excitement and joys and anguish so I decided to play along.


Interesting turn of fate with the unicorn being drawn for sacrificial beast to open today's game. Seemed like a good omen for the Seahawks as unicorns have blue blood. But unicorns are also the one land animal the sea goddess She'basatyr holds dear and as the unicorn's blood hit the Century Link stone they were reports of preternatural wave activity in Elliot Bay. She'basatyr is an old and powerful goddess and any steps taken by the Seahawks priests to appease her will have to be great. I wouldn't be surprised if a player is bound and weighted and dropped into Elliot Bay.

*   *   *  

Odds bodkins! The 49ers have brought their fire cloud serpent despite the the '00 Blood Pact setting the skies as "neutral within an average man's sight" when a game is being played! This does not bode well for the 23 unlucky Seahawks fan the fire cloud serpent will consume before returning to its bottle.

*   *   *

Soothsayer Kenneth of Kent claimed several devotees of the Seahawks priesthood had brought holy firewine to Century Link Field and would drink it when the Seahawks first scored. But the lack of all consuming pillars of fire in the stands leads me to believe Kenneth's informants were mistaken. Or perhaps the devotees might be trying to rally others to self sacrifice as in the Great Light of '97.

*   *   *

Interesting brewings outside Century Link Field...The team witch covens, the Seattle Sea Alls and the San Francisco Foretell Niners,* have decided yet again that men in general are the problem and are not casting spells for either team but for all women attending today's game. Way to go, gals!

*Per the '00 Blood Pact witch covens aren't allowed in stadiums. Food vendors claimed they had no way of knowing for sure that the cauldrons wouldn't be used to make and sell soups and stews to fans.

*   *   *

Gormenorm the gnome picked a bad day to walk past Century Link Field. Seahawks fans mistook Gormenorm's naturally green hair and beard as a sign of fan devotion and bore the three and a half foot gnome into the stadium where he was passed about like a beach ball for five minutes before managing to escape. Of course anyone who touches Gormenorm without just cause is cursed, but the curse is a mild one, generally just a year's worth of warts or an outbreak of skin lesions that clear up in a month or so.

*   *   *

Sea goddess She'basatyr seems definitely angered about a unicorn being sacrificed before the game. Reports have come in of a dozen or more yachts at the Elliot Bay and Shilshole marinas being destroyed by "heretofore unknown apelike creatures with tentacles for arms and fish tails." Sounds kinda of cool if you're not a yacht owning millionaire.

*   *   *

To appease the sea goddesses She'basatyr's anger over a unicorn being sacrificed before the game geomancer Thomas Shane has been called to Century Link Field to transform the unicorn blood into diamonds which will be cast into Elliot Bay. This will of course nullify the sacrifice which means all people attending today's game should make a personal sacrifice as soon as they possibly can. (Per the '00 Blood Pact the NFL will not make a Sacrifice Fee refund on ticket prices.)

The Problems of Joking Without Emoticons

A FBriend* made this post on Facebook: 
I think Nissan commercials are sending wrong signal to young drivers.

And I replied to the post. Then a friend of the FBriend replied to my reply and I replied to that and the exchange went just like this:


Woofmutt: Do you mean their new car that can jump on top of moving trains? I think that's a pretty amazing design feature...Everyone with a Nissan should try it! Friend of FBriend: Woof Mutt it says it in large enough letter "do not try this cars cannot jump on trains"... So if you're still dumb enough to try it, I would call that population control or thinning out the "stupid" gene pool. Woofmutt: Why would they show their car jumping onto a moving train if their car can't actually jump onto a moving train? Clearly their car can jump onto a moving train! I bet it's the train companies that made them put that fine print in the ads. Friend of FBriend: Seriously if YOU PERSONALLY are dumb enough to try, than go ahead. Stop arguing something that you're NOT SUPPOSED TO DO. You're one of those people that would pour burning hot coffee all over yourself just to make a buck because even after you ordered HOT COFFEE it wasn't written on the cup so you purposely spilled it. Woofmutt: But did you see the car jump onto a moving train? Jeez! Friend of FBriend:i P.s. if everything you see on TV is possible than "clearly" I can use to "Force choke" from Star Wars and strangle you through the computer, right? Friend of FBriend: Are you dead yet? Woofmutt: Dude, Star Wars was a MOVIE, not TV. Man, do you even know how stuff works? Or that I'm obviously joking about the ad? Friend of FBriend: I guess it didn't work Ohh well, maybe jumping a car onto a train is just easier...




*A FBriend is a Facebook friend who you don't actually know in real life. I thought of this word mash up the other day and then googled it and discovered it was already in the Urban Dictionary.

Too Many Cooks

The idea behind hitRECord, "the open collaborative production company directed by Joseph Gordon-Levitt" is a pretty swell. hitRECord's main presence is as a website where people load sound and visuals which are all available to be used by hitRECord members to construct Internet friendly content. hitRECord has put out some books and recordings and short films and today it debuted hitRECord on TV on the Pivot channel.

Sticking to hitRECord's collaborative ideal the show is unlike anything else on TV which makes it pretty neat in its own right. But the show isn't particularly original. hitRECord on TV has a cut and paste fast edit collage aesthetic, much of the two episodes that aired tonight on Pivot looked like hip ads for Target or McDonald's...Blasts of funky photos and cute drawings and selfie video of cool people doing cool things or just talking to the camera.

There were also some short films and collaborative video essays and a fairly amusing slightly too long song and dance number featuring Tony Danza and Joseph Gordin-Levitt. But hitRECord's collaborative focus meant a lot of hitRECord on TV was messy and unfocused.

Sort of tying all the lose pages of hitRECord on TV together is Gordin-Levitt acting as a cool yet friendly smooth talking master of ceremonies. The topic of both episodes was introduced by Gordin-Levitt to theaters full of people cheering and holding up smartphones and cameras as if capturing video of an event was something revolutionary.

After his initial "Welcome, to another edition of Thunderdome!" speech to the theater audiencs Gordin-Levitt is mostly seen throughout hitRECord on TV in selfie looking video clips with changing backgrounds and various effects on his image. His dialog sounds scripted and his comments sound like standard narrated TV fare where familiar ideas (such as episode #2's theme of fantasy) are presented with false tones of amazement.

It's all rather disappointing because it seems that Joseph Gordin-Levitt genuinely believes in the idea behind hitRECord. He's excited about the end results of the collaborative efforts that created hitRECord on TV. And though Gordin-Levitt definitely seems like a fun loving guy who is interested in the creativity of others and who uses his celebrity as a tool one has to wonder how many people are involved in hitRECord not because of the the collaborative ideal but because of Gordin-Levitt. And rather than inviting the whole world to make stuff it would probably be better if Gordin-Levitt put his celebrity behind a few projects he believes in.

I Am Tired of...People not introducing people.

The skill of introducing people seems to be completely dead but it's a skill you can learn fairly easily.

The simple rule is: When you are with someone and you meet someone you know who the person you're with doesn't know you introduce the person you're with to the other person then introduce the other person to the person you're with.

Example: Jack and Pat are walking down the street. They run into Chris, a friend of Jack's. After the round of "Oh my god, Jack!" "Oh my god, Chris!" Jack then says to Chris "This is my friend/co-worker/old school chum/acquaintance Pat." Then Jack says to Pat "This is my friend Chris."

In your introductions there should be some small piece of information as to how you are connected to the people, but it doesn't have to be more information than necessary. Call the other person a friend if he/she is a friend, a co-worker if a co-worker, or your professional relationship if it's one you don't mind revealing (such as a salesman you do business with or your accountant).

If one of the relationships is casual or one that you'd really not reveal to the other (such as your dealer, another stripper at the club where you dance, your ex's brother, your contact on the police force, your spirit guide, etc.) then refer to the person as "my acquaintance" or if you like "my friend."

If you bring a guest to a party you need to introduce the guest in the above manner to everyone you meet.

You should always introduce the person you're with immediately after the initial greetings with the person you know. Immediately. Don't start chit chatting and leave the person you're with standing there staring or force him/her to introduce him/herself to the person you're visiting with.

If you are the host/hostess of a party/dinner/event you should try to introduce your guests to other guests they don't know. One of the reasons you have parties is to introduce people you know to each other. So make the rounds and make sure your guests have all met each other. (If it' a very casual event like a kegger or BYOB barbecue it's assumed that guests will mingle and meet each other. But if you have friends who aren't very outgoing you should make a few introductions for them.)