Thursday, October 18, 2012
I'm Tired of...Precious Craft Cocktails
Just make me a decent Martini, damn it.
I don't need organic triple distilled gin infused with juniper berries from the east slopes of the Washington Cascades.
I don't need vermouth featuring heirloom Verdeca.
I don't need it shaken up with hand chipped "rosemary essenced" artesian spring water "slow ice."
And I don't need the Fleur de sel brined white oak barrel aged olive hand stuffed with a rose petal and stuck on a toothpick made from a Joshua Tree spine.
Just make me a decent Martini, damn it.
07/22/12
I'm Tired of...Stories About My Food
If it's goat cheese just give me a general flavor profile. I don't need to hear about the variety of goat and how in ancient Greece they were regarded as Zeus's favorite and all the temples had them frolicking about. I don't care how the breed almost went extinct except for the "visionary" efforts of a trust fund "farmer" and his amazing organic farm collective. And I really don't care that these "miracle goats" are only given distilled rainwater to drink and "harmoniously grown" grains to eat especially if the cheese your making tastes the way my feet smell if I wear waterproof shoes in the summertime.
07/22/12
07/22/12
I Am Tired of...Pot Smoking Scenes
By now even the casual viewer has seen almost every sort of character get stoned in a movie or TV show and the hilarity that can ensue. And of course there's the extra hilarity of someone accidentally getting high from a pot laced baked good.
But if it was already used years ago as a plot device on Friends or Frasier it's a fairly worn out idea.
Yeah yeah yeah, "nothing new under the sun" and all that. But watching characters getting stoned is about as interesting as watching them browse paint chip samples at the hardware store.
Pot scenes are lazy writing, an easy device to reach for when some wackiness or slapstick is desired.
Or maybe pot scenes aren't lazy writing, they're just an example of the writers following the old advice "write what you know." If that's the case it could also explain how movies like The Green Hornet get written and produced.
03/05/12
I Am Tired of...This Recycled Ad Line
"This isn't your father's/mother's/grandfather's/grandmother's ____________!"
Hey advertisers and news yackers! Just because that tag line worked once doesn't make it the go to phrase for every discussion or selling of a revamped product. It's well worn out and stupid and though it probably could still be kicked in the guts for a few more laughs it's unlikely you're capable of pulling that off.
And if you're trying to sell us something you should keep in mind what product used that line most effectively (Oldsmobile) and where that product is now (dead).
So when I hear "This isn't your father's deep penetrating cuticle relaxer!" I immediately think of Oldsmobile, a brand that never really shook off its association with the ancient past and eventually disappeared into it, and then I assume your product is similar to Oldsmobile and your time is past.
Hey advertisers and news yackers! Just because that tag line worked once doesn't make it the go to phrase for every discussion or selling of a revamped product. It's well worn out and stupid and though it probably could still be kicked in the guts for a few more laughs it's unlikely you're capable of pulling that off.
And if you're trying to sell us something you should keep in mind what product used that line most effectively (Oldsmobile) and where that product is now (dead).
So when I hear "This isn't your father's deep penetrating cuticle relaxer!" I immediately think of Oldsmobile, a brand that never really shook off its association with the ancient past and eventually disappeared into it, and then I assume your product is similar to Oldsmobile and your time is past.
I Am Tired of...TVs In Stores Advertising Things
At a local grocery store (part of a chain) the bastards have TV monitors right at ear and eye level at the checkout stands. Checking out of a grocery store is already annoying enough. Please leave TV blah-blah-blah out of it.
They even have a damned TV in the most peaceful part of the grocery store: The produce section. Now when I'm trying to pick between red, white, or yellow onions I have to hear some TV actor wannabe give me some great ways to use avocados. (Did you know you can slice them and put them on a hamburger? OH MY GAWD!!! SO awesome!)
Am Tired of...Bright Lighting In Restaurants and Bars
I was just pouring over some Yelp reviews of Seattle area joints and the one complaint I kept coming on was "dark" or "basement like" or 'Oh and the lighting is still pretty dim."
Hey all you light seeking hothouse pod people: Over 95% of the restaurants and bars in the world are ablaze with natural and artificial light every hour they're open. If a windowless joint is too dark for you why not head to a Cheesecake Factory or TGI Friday's or Olive Garden? I'm sure you're gonna like them a lot better. (In fact, when you're at the Olive Garden you're family!)
10/07/10
Hey all you light seeking hothouse pod people: Over 95% of the restaurants and bars in the world are ablaze with natural and artificial light every hour they're open. If a windowless joint is too dark for you why not head to a Cheesecake Factory or TGI Friday's or Olive Garden? I'm sure you're gonna like them a lot better. (In fact, when you're at the Olive Garden you're family!)
10/07/10
I Am Tired Of...Media Yackers Going On About How Stupid They Think Social Media Updates Are
The general comment is pert near always "I don't get [social networking site]! I don't care what you had for lunch!"
Ha-ha! Hilarious.
Guess what? I think your updates on your radio or TV show about how you think social networking updates are stupid are unimaginative and boring and I'd really rather hear what you had for lunch.
If all the people you know online are just sharing dull and pointless updates there's a good chance you only know dull and pointless people. If you only know dull and pointless people there's also a good chance that you yourself are dull and pointless. It's a little like looking around at a Dungeons & Dragons marathon weekend you're attending at the local Holiday INN and thinking "Man, all these people are geeks!"
And here's something else to wrap your dull and pointless mind around: Life is not about trips to Paris or shaking the President's hand or big game hunting or robbing banks with your buddies in order to fund your extreme surfing lifestyle.
Life is about the ordinary moment to moment little day to day things. Such as what you had for lunch. And most of our conversations are about these simple things, especially with the people we interact with on a daily basis. Read this typical interaction between coworkers Tim and Other Tim:
Did you notice the lack of really exciting elements such as jumping out of airplanes or sharing a cab with the guy who invented Snausages?
That's life.
Ha-ha! Hilarious.
Guess what? I think your updates on your radio or TV show about how you think social networking updates are stupid are unimaginative and boring and I'd really rather hear what you had for lunch.
If all the people you know online are just sharing dull and pointless updates there's a good chance you only know dull and pointless people. If you only know dull and pointless people there's also a good chance that you yourself are dull and pointless. It's a little like looking around at a Dungeons & Dragons marathon weekend you're attending at the local Holiday INN and thinking "Man, all these people are geeks!"
And here's something else to wrap your dull and pointless mind around: Life is not about trips to Paris or shaking the President's hand or big game hunting or robbing banks with your buddies in order to fund your extreme surfing lifestyle.
Life is about the ordinary moment to moment little day to day things. Such as what you had for lunch. And most of our conversations are about these simple things, especially with the people we interact with on a daily basis. Read this typical interaction between coworkers Tim and Other Tim:
Did you notice the lack of really exciting elements such as jumping out of airplanes or sharing a cab with the guy who invented Snausages?
That's life.
I Am Tired of...Public Radio Not Giving Credit To Musicians
Public radio is particularly bad about playing bits of music for bumpers or backgrounds and not telling the listener who made the music. You'd think they'd be less likely to treat someone else's work as something to just spruce up their show. It wouldn't take much effort or time to just say "The Finches on Morning Edition." or "Belle & Sebastion at 8:20." It'd be fair to the artists and it'd be a service to the listeners who might like the music but don't want to spend 20 minutes navigating a radio website trying to find a credit for the song.
I imagine these radio shows wouldn't be so casual if someone were slicing up their commentaries and pieces to add filler to another show without giving on air credit.
05/26/10
I Am Tired of...Zombies
I mean the walking dead, not this kind.
To be honest (for once), I've never cared for zombie flicks.* Zombies never seemed interesting and definitely didn't seem scary. (With the exception of Max Brook's Zombie Survival Guide which was fairly creepy.)
But these days zombies are everywhere and...Yawn! The zombie walks were kinda funny once. As a repeat get together? No. And the zombieThriller dance gatherings? NO!
Maybe the zombie fixation is because zombies so often want brains and the masses so often seem to be lacking brains. Do the masses secretly desire brains and as a result identify with zombies? If so, couldn't they just link arms and skip off down some a yellow brick road?
Well, I guess skipping would require some effort. Aimlessly shuffling about while moaning is something everyone is doing anyway.
I think I just realized why I don't care for zombies.
I Am Tired of...The Term "man cave"
Men have dens, bars, garages, sheds, cabins, whatever. They don't have to call it "man den" or "man cabin" because they're men and it's theirs, and whudyuh gonna make of that?
A real man (yeah, I said it) doesn't need special labels for his personal space, relationships, or activities. (Unless it's his #1 Fox.)
05/12/10
I Am Tired of...Evil Cute Things
A teddy bear with a knife, a little girl with a noose, a kitten smoking a cigar, and on and on and on.
Yes, congratulations cool artist/hipster lifestyle goods manufacturer, you figured out the equation...
innocent/cute thing + dangerous item/bad behavior = edgy humorous effect
We laughed. We smirked. We're rolling our eyes.
But wait, just one more...Look! This cotton candy is made of razor blades! Ha-ha! Have a bite!
04/28/10
Yes, congratulations cool artist/hipster lifestyle goods manufacturer, you figured out the equation...
innocent/cute thing + dangerous item/bad behavior = edgy humorous effect
We laughed. We smirked. We're rolling our eyes.
But wait, just one more...Look! This cotton candy is made of razor blades! Ha-ha! Have a bite!
04/28/10
I Am Tired of...Flat Screen TVs Hung Over a Fireplace
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