The Game As I Saw It

The Seahawks yack yack important game yack yack yack and I was on Facebook and of course people had to share their excitement and joys and anguish so I decided to play along.


Interesting turn of fate with the unicorn being drawn for sacrificial beast to open today's game. Seemed like a good omen for the Seahawks as unicorns have blue blood. But unicorns are also the one land animal the sea goddess She'basatyr holds dear and as the unicorn's blood hit the Century Link stone they were reports of preternatural wave activity in Elliot Bay. She'basatyr is an old and powerful goddess and any steps taken by the Seahawks priests to appease her will have to be great. I wouldn't be surprised if a player is bound and weighted and dropped into Elliot Bay.

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Odds bodkins! The 49ers have brought their fire cloud serpent despite the the '00 Blood Pact setting the skies as "neutral within an average man's sight" when a game is being played! This does not bode well for the 23 unlucky Seahawks fan the fire cloud serpent will consume before returning to its bottle.

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Soothsayer Kenneth of Kent claimed several devotees of the Seahawks priesthood had brought holy firewine to Century Link Field and would drink it when the Seahawks first scored. But the lack of all consuming pillars of fire in the stands leads me to believe Kenneth's informants were mistaken. Or perhaps the devotees might be trying to rally others to self sacrifice as in the Great Light of '97.

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Interesting brewings outside Century Link Field...The team witch covens, the Seattle Sea Alls and the San Francisco Foretell Niners,* have decided yet again that men in general are the problem and are not casting spells for either team but for all women attending today's game. Way to go, gals!

*Per the '00 Blood Pact witch covens aren't allowed in stadiums. Food vendors claimed they had no way of knowing for sure that the cauldrons wouldn't be used to make and sell soups and stews to fans.

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Gormenorm the gnome picked a bad day to walk past Century Link Field. Seahawks fans mistook Gormenorm's naturally green hair and beard as a sign of fan devotion and bore the three and a half foot gnome into the stadium where he was passed about like a beach ball for five minutes before managing to escape. Of course anyone who touches Gormenorm without just cause is cursed, but the curse is a mild one, generally just a year's worth of warts or an outbreak of skin lesions that clear up in a month or so.

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Sea goddess She'basatyr seems definitely angered about a unicorn being sacrificed before the game. Reports have come in of a dozen or more yachts at the Elliot Bay and Shilshole marinas being destroyed by "heretofore unknown apelike creatures with tentacles for arms and fish tails." Sounds kinda of cool if you're not a yacht owning millionaire.

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To appease the sea goddesses She'basatyr's anger over a unicorn being sacrificed before the game geomancer Thomas Shane has been called to Century Link Field to transform the unicorn blood into diamonds which will be cast into Elliot Bay. This will of course nullify the sacrifice which means all people attending today's game should make a personal sacrifice as soon as they possibly can. (Per the '00 Blood Pact the NFL will not make a Sacrifice Fee refund on ticket prices.)

The Problems of Joking Without Emoticons

A FBriend* made this post on Facebook: 
I think Nissan commercials are sending wrong signal to young drivers.

And I replied to the post. Then a friend of the FBriend replied to my reply and I replied to that and the exchange went just like this:


Woofmutt: Do you mean their new car that can jump on top of moving trains? I think that's a pretty amazing design feature...Everyone with a Nissan should try it! Friend of FBriend: Woof Mutt it says it in large enough letter "do not try this cars cannot jump on trains"... So if you're still dumb enough to try it, I would call that population control or thinning out the "stupid" gene pool. Woofmutt: Why would they show their car jumping onto a moving train if their car can't actually jump onto a moving train? Clearly their car can jump onto a moving train! I bet it's the train companies that made them put that fine print in the ads. Friend of FBriend: Seriously if YOU PERSONALLY are dumb enough to try, than go ahead. Stop arguing something that you're NOT SUPPOSED TO DO. You're one of those people that would pour burning hot coffee all over yourself just to make a buck because even after you ordered HOT COFFEE it wasn't written on the cup so you purposely spilled it. Woofmutt: But did you see the car jump onto a moving train? Jeez! Friend of FBriend:i P.s. if everything you see on TV is possible than "clearly" I can use to "Force choke" from Star Wars and strangle you through the computer, right? Friend of FBriend: Are you dead yet? Woofmutt: Dude, Star Wars was a MOVIE, not TV. Man, do you even know how stuff works? Or that I'm obviously joking about the ad? Friend of FBriend: I guess it didn't work Ohh well, maybe jumping a car onto a train is just easier...




*A FBriend is a Facebook friend who you don't actually know in real life. I thought of this word mash up the other day and then googled it and discovered it was already in the Urban Dictionary.

Too Many Cooks

The idea behind hitRECord, "the open collaborative production company directed by Joseph Gordon-Levitt" is a pretty swell. hitRECord's main presence is as a website where people load sound and visuals which are all available to be used by hitRECord members to construct Internet friendly content. hitRECord has put out some books and recordings and short films and today it debuted hitRECord on TV on the Pivot channel.

Sticking to hitRECord's collaborative ideal the show is unlike anything else on TV which makes it pretty neat in its own right. But the show isn't particularly original. hitRECord on TV has a cut and paste fast edit collage aesthetic, much of the two episodes that aired tonight on Pivot looked like hip ads for Target or McDonald's...Blasts of funky photos and cute drawings and selfie video of cool people doing cool things or just talking to the camera.

There were also some short films and collaborative video essays and a fairly amusing slightly too long song and dance number featuring Tony Danza and Joseph Gordin-Levitt. But hitRECord's collaborative focus meant a lot of hitRECord on TV was messy and unfocused.

Sort of tying all the lose pages of hitRECord on TV together is Gordin-Levitt acting as a cool yet friendly smooth talking master of ceremonies. The topic of both episodes was introduced by Gordin-Levitt to theaters full of people cheering and holding up smartphones and cameras as if capturing video of an event was something revolutionary.

After his initial "Welcome, to another edition of Thunderdome!" speech to the theater audiencs Gordin-Levitt is mostly seen throughout hitRECord on TV in selfie looking video clips with changing backgrounds and various effects on his image. His dialog sounds scripted and his comments sound like standard narrated TV fare where familiar ideas (such as episode #2's theme of fantasy) are presented with false tones of amazement.

It's all rather disappointing because it seems that Joseph Gordin-Levitt genuinely believes in the idea behind hitRECord. He's excited about the end results of the collaborative efforts that created hitRECord on TV. And though Gordin-Levitt definitely seems like a fun loving guy who is interested in the creativity of others and who uses his celebrity as a tool one has to wonder how many people are involved in hitRECord not because of the the collaborative ideal but because of Gordin-Levitt. And rather than inviting the whole world to make stuff it would probably be better if Gordin-Levitt put his celebrity behind a few projects he believes in.

I Am Tired of...People not introducing people.

The skill of introducing people seems to be completely dead but it's a skill you can learn fairly easily.

The simple rule is: When you are with someone and you meet someone you know who the person you're with doesn't know you introduce the person you're with to the other person then introduce the other person to the person you're with.

Example: Jack and Pat are walking down the street. They run into Chris, a friend of Jack's. After the round of "Oh my god, Jack!" "Oh my god, Chris!" Jack then says to Chris "This is my friend/co-worker/old school chum/acquaintance Pat." Then Jack says to Pat "This is my friend Chris."

In your introductions there should be some small piece of information as to how you are connected to the people, but it doesn't have to be more information than necessary. Call the other person a friend if he/she is a friend, a co-worker if a co-worker, or your professional relationship if it's one you don't mind revealing (such as a salesman you do business with or your accountant).

If one of the relationships is casual or one that you'd really not reveal to the other (such as your dealer, another stripper at the club where you dance, your ex's brother, your contact on the police force, your spirit guide, etc.) then refer to the person as "my acquaintance" or if you like "my friend."

If you bring a guest to a party you need to introduce the guest in the above manner to everyone you meet.

You should always introduce the person you're with immediately after the initial greetings with the person you know. Immediately. Don't start chit chatting and leave the person you're with standing there staring or force him/her to introduce him/herself to the person you're visiting with.

If you are the host/hostess of a party/dinner/event you should try to introduce your guests to other guests they don't know. One of the reasons you have parties is to introduce people you know to each other. So make the rounds and make sure your guests have all met each other. (If it' a very casual event like a kegger or BYOB barbecue it's assumed that guests will mingle and meet each other. But if you have friends who aren't very outgoing you should make a few introductions for them.) 

New Linearism

NEW LINEARISM is the young modern aesthetic movement that feels like believing!

With a grin and a wink and the bang-bang finger...It's NEW LINEARISM!

Wildly complex yet so simple you may already be a NEW LINEARIST.

NEW LINEARISM encompasses all aspects of the visual arts, writing, dancing, singing, shouting, cocktail mixing, plus a whole lot-o-stuff we're not even aware of yet.

Like most philosophical movements of great bluster and little content NEW LINEARISM is difficult to define. Particularly in that it really has no definition at all as we never got that far before making the proclamation that NEW LINEARISM was here.

Definitions, like math, are hard. But maybe this will help: A stop sign hanging on your wall is not NEW LINEARISM. A manhole cover used as the top for a coffee table is NEW LINEARISM. Do you sort of almost kind of get it? Both items are made of metal, generally round in shape, and are commonly found on the street.

The word "commonly" is somewhat important to classifying the use of the item as NEW LINEARISM in that a bowling ball shaped robot would not be a NEW LINEARISM item. It would be a lot of fun however, and most NEW LINEARISTS would not snub such a robot.

Now you see, and it has cost you nothing. Very important in NEW LINEARISM. There are no fees. Did you know that Nihilism costs the avereage Nihilist over $25 in fees every month? We say "Bah!" to that, and "Cheers!" to NEW LINEARISM...It feels like believing!

Yours, with a grin and a wink and the bang-bang finger,

The Founders

I'm Tired of...Precious Craft Cocktails

Just make me a decent Martini, damn it.

I don't need organic triple distilled gin infused with juniper berries from the east slopes of the Washington Cascades.

I don't need vermouth featuring heirloom Verdeca.

I don't need it shaken up with hand chipped "rosemary essenced" artesian spring water "slow ice."

And I don't need the Fleur de sel brined white oak barrel aged olive hand stuffed with a rose petal and stuck on a toothpick made from a Joshua Tree spine.

Just make me a decent Martini, damn it.


07/22/12

I'm Tired of...Stories About My Food

If it's goat cheese just give me a general flavor profile. I don't need to hear about the variety of goat and how in ancient Greece they were regarded as Zeus's favorite and all the temples had them frolicking about. I don't care how the breed almost went extinct except for the "visionary" efforts of a trust fund "farmer" and his amazing organic farm collective. And I really don't care that these "miracle goats" are only given distilled rainwater to drink and "harmoniously grown" grains to eat especially if the cheese your making tastes the way my feet smell if I wear waterproof shoes in the summertime. 

07/22/12

I Am Tired of...Pot Smoking Scenes

By now even the casual viewer has seen almost every sort of character get stoned in a movie or TV show and the hilarity that can ensue. And of course there's the extra hilarity of someone accidentally getting high from a pot laced baked good. 

But if it was already used years ago as a plot device on Friends or Frasier it's a fairly worn out idea.

Yeah yeah yeah, "nothing new under the sun" and all that. But watching characters getting stoned is about as interesting as watching them browse paint chip samples at the hardware store.

Pot scenes are lazy writing, an easy device to reach for when some wackiness or slapstick is desired.

Or maybe pot scenes aren't lazy writing, they're just an example of the writers following the old advice "write what you know." If that's the case it could also explain how movies like The Green Hornet get written and produced. 

03/05/12

I Am Tired of...This Recycled Ad Line

"This isn't your father's/mother's/grandfather's/grandmother's ____________!"


Hey advertisers and news yackers! Just because that tag line worked once doesn't make it the go to phrase for every discussion or selling of a revamped product. It's well worn out and stupid and though it probably could still be kicked in the guts for a few more laughs it's unlikely you're capable of pulling that off.

And if you're trying to sell us something you should keep in mind what product used that line most effectively (Oldsmobile) and where that product is now (dead).

So when I hear "This isn't your father's deep penetrating cuticle relaxer!" I immediately think of Oldsmobile, a brand that never really shook off its association with the ancient past and eventually disappeared into it, and then I assume your product is similar to Oldsmobile and your time is past. 

I Am Tired of...TVs In Stores Advertising Things

At a local grocery store (part of a chain) the bastards have TV monitors right at ear and eye level at the checkout stands. Checking out of a grocery store is already annoying enough. Please leave TV blah-blah-blah out of it.

They even have a damned TV in the most peaceful part of the grocery store: The produce section. Now when I'm trying to pick between red, white, or yellow onions I have to hear some TV actor wannabe give me some great ways to use avocados. (Did you know you can slice them and put them on a hamburger? OH MY GAWD!!! SO awesome!) 

Am Tired of...Bright Lighting In Restaurants and Bars

I was just pouring over some Yelp reviews of Seattle area joints and the one complaint I kept coming on was "dark" or "basement like" or 'Oh and the lighting is still pretty dim."

Hey all you light seeking hothouse pod people: Over 95% of the restaurants and bars in the world are ablaze with natural and artificial light every hour they're open. If a windowless joint is too dark for you why not head to a Cheesecake Factory or TGI Friday's or Olive Garden? I'm sure you're gonna like them a lot better. (In fact, when you're at the Olive Garden you're family!) 



10/07/10