Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Hot Dog Tartare

My take on classic Steak Tartare...Hot Dog Tartare. It's easy to make and perfect for summer. Enjoy!

Hot Dog Tartare

1 lb. "raw" hot dogs
2 T yellow mustard
2 T sweet relish
1 T ketchup

1/4 cup finely chopped onion
1/4 cup sauerkraut squeezed dry and chopped fine
1 fried egg

Finely chop the hot dogs. Mix the chopped hot dogs, mustard, sweet relish, and ketchup together. Put in refrigerator to chill at least two hours.

To serve: Mound the Hot Dog Tartare on a chilled plate. Place the chopped onions on one side of the Hot Dog Tartare, the chopped sauerkraut on the other. Top the Hot Dog Tartare with the fried egg.

Serve with toasted thin slices of hot dog bun.

Chili Dog Tartare


Omit the mustard, relish, and ketchup and mix the chopped hot dogs with a 1/2 cup of cold chili. Replace the chopped sauerkraut with 1/4 finely diced American cheese.


(June 2010)

One Aternoon in March

Late in the afternoon on Friday, March 26th I was in Chinatown. The sun was out and there was some great light on the old buildings and I was wandering around taking useless photos. I took the above shot of the tree and poles and wires and stepped a few feet west to see the other side of the building. As I was looking up at the building a pigeon shit in my mouth.

No, my mouth was not wide open, it was just open enough that as the pigeon shit made an angular splash across my face and shoulder a dollop of it landed right inside the corner of my mouth.

As I began spitting the slightly salty and acidic but otherwise flavorless pigeon shit (now you know) out of my mouth I wasn’t so much disgusted by the immediate situation as I was concerned about all the diseases one might be exposed to via pigeon shit. Yes, it was disgusting, but the idea that I could become “Patient X” for the next wave of deadly bird flu was really really annoying.

I grabbed a bandana I usually have in my satchel and wiped the affected part of my mouth. I was spitting and cussing when a semi-present possibly drunk woman who had been the one human witness to the pigeon’s triumph commented on the birds shitting on people.

"One just shit in my mouth," I told her.

"Oh," she replied, "Oh yeah, the birds they...I'll remember you."

Unimpressed with the impression I had made I headed around the corner to Bush Gardens where I was meeting friends for Happy Hour. I walked in and right to the bar and said to the bartender "I'm going to be having a drink, but first I need a glass of water because a pigeon just shit in my mouth." He didn't even hesitate and gave me a glass of water.

I headed to the bathroom and rinsed. I noticed the soap dispenser, added a small shot to the glass, swirled, and rinsed. I did that again, and again, and again, and again.

My phone rang, it was Sparky. He and Cookie had just arrived at Bush Gardens and he was asking where I was.

I am in the Bush Gardens bathroom because the second worst thing that can happen to someone in the city just happened to me."

"A bum shit on you," Sparky replied without hesitating.

"I said the second worst thing."

"A bum puked on you."

"Ok, the FOURTH worse thing," I said, skipping what I knew would be number three.

"A bird shit on you," he said again without hesitation.

"Not on me," I replied, "A pigeon shit in my mouth."

“What, were you staring up at the sky with your mouth wide open?” he asked.

Sparky had called from the bar and I told him to buy me vodka so I could rinse with that. I figured having a pigeon shit in your mouth was probably on a list of situations that allowed you to demand a friend buy you a drink.

I walked back to the bar and handed the bartender the glass.

"It's been rinsed with lots of soap and water,” I told him so he wouldn't think I had brought back a glass covered in spit and pigeon shit.

"You know that's good luck," the bartender said to me.

"A pigeon shitting in your mouth is good luck?" I asked incredulously.

"Yes, good luck. People get shit on by birds, it's good luck."

"I think you're just making that up, but thanks."

I asked Sparky if he'd got me a vodka. Sparky said the booze would have to be at least 50% alcohol in order to be effective.

"You should get a shot of 151," he said.

I asked the bartender if they had 151 rum. He said they did and I ordered a shot.

“I got this,” the bartender said refusing my money. I think he knew the incredible luck I had brought into the bar meant it would be a profitable evening. I tipped him a couple bucks, headed back to the bathroom, and on the way took a good big sip of the rum and rinsed.

“I think that was a mistake,“ I thought having forgotten the feel of 151 in the mouth. My tongue, cheeks, and roof of my mouth felt as if they were giving up their outer layer of skin.

I walked into the bathroom and spit the 151 in the sink. I added some water to the remainder and rinsed again and followed that up with a few more rinses. There was one other guy in the bathroom and I apologized for all the rinsing and spitting into the sink.

“A pigeon shit in my mouth,” I explained.

“You should by a lottery ticket,” he replied.


(March 2010)

What's a littel?

What's a littel? A littel is a the smallest variety of lentil!

Littels are typically 3/4 the size of standard lentils but the most prized littels are those that are half the size of standard lentils. These "petit littels" are the littel of choice for Salade Froide de Littel a traditional dish from Northern France.

Littels are mentioned in the Bible as their small size was often used as a point of comparison.

"To hold one joy the width of a littel is better than to dwell in a mansion of sorrow. Proverbs 33:12



(March 2010)

Monkey Lamp Light

It was only because of the late hour,
pencil, paper, wine,
and dim monkey lamp light
that we figured
and rechecked the figuring
and concluded:
If you tilt your head sideways
while squinting and smiling
as hard as you can
you will see
all that is beautiful
for that moment.
And as a bonus feature
of sorts,
hovering between the moments,
a little of what was
and a little of what will be
and a lot of where we came from
and definite proof
of where we will be
one hundred years
from tonight.


(written March 2010)

The Baby Jesus Twins!

The Baby Jesus Twins! Infant sons of God sent to Earth to aid mankind during these troubled times!

The Baby Jesus Twins! A Do-Good Divine Duo helping those in need and freaking out fundamentalists everywhere!

The Baby Jesus Twins! Two-as-one as one part of the three-as-one Godhead!

The Baby Jesus Twins! Each endowed with unique Gifts-O-God Powers!

Gold Baby Jesus The fiery fundamental Baby Jesus! “No man cometh unto the father but by me.”
Gifts-O-God powers include:
•    Water Walking Ability
•    Dead Raiser Vision
•    Kung-Fu Grip
•    Temple Turnover Terror

Silver Baby Jesus The easygoing, friendly Baby Jesus! “God is love.”
Gifts-O-God powers include:
•    Healing Hands
•    Full Immersion Submersibility
•    Glam-Blast Glitter Ray


The Baby Jesus Twins!
Here that They might kick Evil’s ass and kick it more abundantly!


(December 2009)

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Blood Moon

One evening when I was a kid my family was leaving some friends home and we saw that the rising moon was deep red. We hadn't heard any talk of an eclipse and it wasn't harvest season (when dust or smoke from burning fields could create red moons).

So being fundamentalist Protestant Rapture believing Christians we of course immediately wondered if the red moon had a supernatural meaning. This was terrifying to me even though we were pre-Tribulationists so we knew we'd have been Raptured before the moon turned to blood (which isn't supposed to happen til well into the Tribulation).

But my church (Nazarene) also didn't believe in the notion of "Once in Grace" which meant that even though you were a Born Again Christian you could still lose your salvation IMMEDIATELY by doing one sinful thing which meant that you'd be left behind if the Rapture happened or go straight to Hell if you died in your sleep. That sort of believing keeps people constantly on edge, especially before bed time or if an unexplained blood colored moon rises in the sky.

Standing on the front porch staring at the red moon the adults briefly compared notes as to what they knew were signs of the End Times and how the mystic bits of the Book of Revelation were supposed to unfold. A blood moon only fit in one spot and they figured we couldn't be at that spot so everyone decided that the surprise red moon was probably just a natural phenomenon. (Happily they did actually believe in science and natural phenomenon.)

Still, I wasn't entirely happy until on the way home I saw the moon gradually turn back to its normal color. 

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

What's a library?

In a PM to a friend I mentioned I was at the library.

Friend: What's a library?

Woofmutt: A library is a place where poor/cheap people go to check out CDs and DVDs, use computers, make loud phone calls, and let their screaming children run around unsupervised.

To help reduce the noise of people making phone calls and screaming children libraries have shelves full of bound reams of paper called "books." These books help absorb sound or keep it from traveling very far.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

The Game As I Saw It

The Seahawks yack yack important game yack yack yack and I was on Facebook and of course people had to share their excitement and joys and anguish so I decided to play along.


Interesting turn of fate with the unicorn being drawn for sacrificial beast to open today's game. Seemed like a good omen for the Seahawks as unicorns have blue blood. But unicorns are also the one land animal the sea goddess She'basatyr holds dear and as the unicorn's blood hit the Century Link stone they were reports of preternatural wave activity in Elliot Bay. She'basatyr is an old and powerful goddess and any steps taken by the Seahawks priests to appease her will have to be great. I wouldn't be surprised if a player is bound and weighted and dropped into Elliot Bay.

*   *   *  

Odds bodkins! The 49ers have brought their fire cloud serpent despite the the '00 Blood Pact setting the skies as "neutral within an average man's sight" when a game is being played! This does not bode well for the 23 unlucky Seahawks fan the fire cloud serpent will consume before returning to its bottle.


*   *   *

Soothsayer Kenneth of Kent claimed several devotees of the Seahawks priesthood had brought holy firewine to Century Link Field and would drink it when the Seahawks first scored. But the lack of all consuming pillars of fire in the stands leads me to believe Kenneth's informants were mistaken. Or perhaps the devotees might be trying to rally others to self sacrifice as in the Great Light of '97.


*   *   *

Interesting brewings outside Century Link Field...The team witch covens, the Seattle Sea Alls and the San Francisco Foretell Niners,* have decided yet again that men in general are the problem and are not casting spells for either team but for all women attending today's game. Way to go, gals!

*Per the '00 Blood Pact witch covens aren't allowed in stadiums. Food vendors claimed they had no way of knowing for sure that the cauldrons wouldn't be used to make and sell soups and stews to fans.

*   *   *

Gormenorm the gnome picked a bad day to walk past Century Link Field. Seahawks fans mistook Gormenorm's naturally green hair and beard as a sign of fan devotion and bore the three and a half foot gnome into the stadium where he was passed about like a beach ball for five minutes before managing to escape. Of course anyone who touches Gormenorm without just cause is cursed, but the curse is a mild one, generally just a year's worth of warts or an outbreak of skin lesions that clear up in a month or so.

*   *   *

Sea goddess She'basatyr seems definitely angered about a unicorn being sacrificed before the game. Reports have come in of a dozen or more yachts at the Elliot Bay and Shilshole marinas being destroyed by "heretofore unknown apelike creatures with tentacles for arms and fish tails." Sounds kinda of cool if you're not a yacht owning millionaire.

*   *   *

To appease the sea goddesses She'basatyr's anger over a unicorn being sacrificed before the game geomancer Thomas Shane has been called to Century Link Field to transform the unicorn blood into diamonds which will be cast into Elliot Bay. This will of course nullify the sacrifice which means all people attending today's game should make a personal sacrifice as soon as they possibly can. (Per the '00 Blood Pact the NFL will not make a Sacrifice Fee refund on ticket prices.)









The Problems of Joking Without Emoticons

A FBriend* made this post on Facebook: 
I think Nissan commercials are sending wrong signal to young drivers.


And I replied to the post. Then a friend of the FBriend replied to my reply and I replied to that and the exchange went just like this:


Woofmutt: Do you mean their new car that can jump on top of moving trains? I think that's a pretty amazing design feature...Everyone with a Nissan should try it! Friend of FBriend: Woof Mutt it says it in large enough letter "do not try this cars cannot jump on trains"... So if you're still dumb enough to try it, I would call that population control or thinning out the "stupid" gene pool. Woofmutt: Why would they show their car jumping onto a moving train if their car can't actually jump onto a moving train? Clearly their car can jump onto a moving train! I bet it's the train companies that made them put that fine print in the ads. Friend of FBriend: Seriously if YOU PERSONALLY are dumb enough to try, than go ahead. Stop arguing something that you're NOT SUPPOSED TO DO. You're one of those people that would pour burning hot coffee all over yourself just to make a buck because even after you ordered HOT COFFEE it wasn't written on the cup so you purposely spilled it. Woofmutt: But did you see the car jump onto a moving train? Jeez! Friend of FBriend:i P.s. if everything you see on TV is possible than "clearly" I can use to "Force choke" from Star Wars and strangle you through the computer, right? Friend of FBriend: Are you dead yet? Woofmutt: Dude, Star Wars was a MOVIE, not TV. Man, do you even know how stuff works? Or that I'm obviously joking about the ad? Friend of FBriend: I guess it didn't work Ohh well, maybe jumping a car onto a train is just easier...




*A FBriend is a Facebook friend who you don't actually know in real life. I thought of this word mash up the other day and then googled it and discovered it was already in the Urban Dictionary.

Too Many Cooks



The idea behind hitRECord, "the open collaborative production company directed by Joseph Gordon-Levitt" is a pretty swell. hitRECord's main presence is as a website where people load sound and visuals which are all available to be used by hitRECord members to construct Internet friendly content. hitRECord has put out some books and recordings and short films and today it debuted hitRECord on TV on the Pivot channel.


Sticking to hitRECord's collaborative ideal the show is unlike anything else on TV which makes it pretty neat in its own right. But the show isn't particularly original. hitRECord on TV has a cut and paste fast edit collage aesthetic, much of the two episodes that aired tonight on Pivot looked like hip ads for Target or McDonald's...Blasts of funky photos and cute drawings and selfie video of cool people doing cool things or just talking to the camera.

There were also some short films and collaborative video essays and a fairly amusing slightly too long song and dance number featuring Tony Danza and Joseph Gordin-Levitt. But hitRECord's collaborative focus meant a lot of hitRECord on TV was messy and unfocused.

Sort of tying all the lose pages of hitRECord on TV together is Gordin-Levitt acting as a cool yet friendly smooth talking master of ceremonies. The topic of both episodes was introduced by Gordin-Levitt to theaters full of people cheering and holding up smartphones and cameras as if capturing video of an event was something revolutionary.

After his initial "Welcome, to another edition of Thunderdome!" speech to the theater audiencs Gordin-Levitt is mostly seen throughout hitRECord on TV in selfie looking video clips with changing backgrounds and various effects on his image. His dialog sounds scripted and his comments sound like standard narrated TV fare where familiar ideas (such as episode #2's theme of fantasy) are presented with false tones of amazement.

It's all rather disappointing because it seems that Joseph Gordin-Levitt genuinely believes in the idea behind hitRECord. He's excited about the end results of the collaborative efforts that created hitRECord on TV. And though Gordin-Levitt definitely seems like a fun loving guy who is interested in the creativity of others and who uses his celebrity as a tool one has to wonder how many people are involved in hitRECord not because of the the collaborative ideal but because of Gordin-Levitt. And rather than inviting the whole world to make stuff it would probably be better if Gordin-Levitt put his celebrity behind a few projects he believes in.

Friday, January 17, 2014

I Am Tired of...People not introducing people.

The skill of introducing people seems to be completely dead but it's a skill you can learn fairly easily.

The simple rule is: When you are with someone and you meet someone you know who the person you're with doesn't know you introduce the person you're with to the other person then introduce the other person to the person you're with.

Example: Jack and Pat are walking down the street. They run into Chris, a friend of Jack's. After the round of "Oh my god, Jack!" "Oh my god, Chris!" Jack then says to Chris "This is my friend/co-worker/old school chum/acquaintance Pat." Then Jack says to Pat "This is my friend Chris."

In your introductions there should be some small piece of information as to how you are connected to the people, but it doesn't have to be more information than necessary. Call the other person a friend if he/she is a friend, a co-worker if a co-worker, or your professional relationship if it's one you don't mind revealing (such as a salesman you do business with or your accountant).

If one of the relationships is casual or one that you'd really not reveal to the other (such as your dealer, another stripper at the club where you dance, your ex's brother, your contact on the police force, your spirit guide, etc.) then refer to the person as "my acquaintance" or if you like "my friend."

If you bring a guest to a party you need to introduce the guest in the above manner to everyone you meet.

You should always introduce the person you're with immediately after the initial greetings with the person you know. Immediately. Don't start chit chatting and leave the person you're with standing there staring or force him/her to introduce him/herself to the person you're visiting with.

If you are the host/hostess of a party/dinner/event you should try to introduce your guests to other guests they don't know. One of the reasons you have parties is to introduce people you know to each other. So make the rounds and make sure your guests have all met each other. (If it' a very casual event like a kegger or BYOB barbecue it's assumed that guests will mingle and meet each other. But if you have friends who aren't very outgoing you should make a few introductions for them.)