A post popped up on Facebook asking something like "HOW DID WE MEET?" The post was made by someone who, like most the people I know on social media, I've never met. This was my reply.
It was a spring or autumn afternoon in May or October of 2008. What I thought were some excellent dance moves turned out to just be me tripping on a piece of uneven sidewalk while listening to Steely Dan. I cursed early 21st century technology for not having the ability to make feasible toe mounted sonar devices which would alert the wearer to uneven urban terrain.
When I got home I wrote a letter to the Chronological Constant Constabulary (CCC) as to why 2008 was taking so long to finish up. I wrote this letter on a manual typewriter as there are no electric typewriters in the age the CCC anchors itself on and because my handwriting is lousy. Halfway through my letter the typewriter ribbon went dry.
I immediately stopped all the clocks in my house so as to not lose any time and headed to your typewriter ribbon and buggy whip repair shop which had just recently come into existence at this point of the story.
When I walked in to your shop I saw you listening intently to an old AM radio tuned to some static and I said "The voices you're probably listening for are on a digital signal."
"Well, duh," you replied.
"I'm looking for a..." I started to say.
"Your life story I don't need," you interrupted, "Just point and pay and get the hell out. You can friend me on Facebook if you want to. I don't care."
I pointed at the ribbon I needed, you rang up the outrageous price, I paid you in an assortment of small bills and change which you immediately took offense at.
I smiled a winner's smile, took the ribbon, and grabbed one of your business/carrot pudding cake recipe cards. I glanced at the recipe and said "I'll tell you what's wrong with this later." Then I left.
We have been make believe friends ever since.
Monday, March 13, 2017
Friday, March 13, 2015
Leprechaun Traps
I
had no idea that the trapping of leprechauns was such a popular
pastime. But a Google search for "leprechaun trap" shows it is, and
mommy always said if something comes up with multiple hits on Google
then it's true.
Now I know, you're probably scared of leprechauns. But for the sake of considering this leprechaun trap craze that is clearly sweeping the world let's pretend for a moment that you actually aren't scared of leprechauns and you're just making an ass of yourself.*
Now I know, you're probably scared of leprechauns. But for the sake of considering this leprechaun trap craze that is clearly sweeping the world let's pretend for a moment that you actually aren't scared of leprechauns and you're just making an ass of yourself.*
Why could leprechaun traps be of such interest to people? Is it purely
economical? Does the current economic situation and the lure of easy
(though often cursed) gold get people pondering the trapping of
leprechauns? This seems somewhat unlikely as gold is always desirable,
even in very good times. If it were there for the taking we'd all have
leprechaun traps in our yards and big corporations would probably have
been exploiting the leprechaun herds for decades.
Maybe the interest in leprechaun traps is so popular because people use it as a simple yet effective way to prove the existence of a Higher Power. As C.S. Lewis never said: "Teach a man to catch a leprechaun and he will fish for a day thinking God must live in the depths of the sea." Which of course means it's pointless to reveal the magic in the world to an idiot, he won't know what to do with the knowledge.**
So why are so many idiots trying to catch leprechauns? Is it because most of them are children and children are notoriously stupid? (Not yours, I mean everyone else's.)
But unlike the spread of disease and higher property taxes we probably can't pin this one on the kids. If we consider the below screen capture of suggested search terms from Google we see several of the suggestions are for catching leprechauns with machines. Machines aren't made by children, at least not in the first world. At best first world kids can barely handle boxes, glue, string, maybe paper if the edges aren't sharp.
Another search is for "leprechaun traps that work." A child who built a leprechaun trap would just assume it's going to work because, as we established, children are stupid. So clearly the building of leprechaun traps is not mere child's play, leprechaun traps are built by adults who want results.
Or maybe leprechaun traps are built by adults who just want to seem charming and whimsical. There's enough of that going around these days to make a lavender unicorn want to puke rainbow angel kittens.
*Much the same way you do when you pretend to be freaked out by clowns or balloons or grown men with obviously bleached out hair. (The last one I must admit is a bit disturbing.)
**That point has little to do with proving the existence of magic I just wanted to warn you to not waste you time going on nice walks with idiots. They'd be just as happy staying at home and watching TV.
Maybe the interest in leprechaun traps is so popular because people use it as a simple yet effective way to prove the existence of a Higher Power. As C.S. Lewis never said: "Teach a man to catch a leprechaun and he will fish for a day thinking God must live in the depths of the sea." Which of course means it's pointless to reveal the magic in the world to an idiot, he won't know what to do with the knowledge.**
So why are so many idiots trying to catch leprechauns? Is it because most of them are children and children are notoriously stupid? (Not yours, I mean everyone else's.)
But unlike the spread of disease and higher property taxes we probably can't pin this one on the kids. If we consider the below screen capture of suggested search terms from Google we see several of the suggestions are for catching leprechauns with machines. Machines aren't made by children, at least not in the first world. At best first world kids can barely handle boxes, glue, string, maybe paper if the edges aren't sharp.
Another search is for "leprechaun traps that work." A child who built a leprechaun trap would just assume it's going to work because, as we established, children are stupid. So clearly the building of leprechaun traps is not mere child's play, leprechaun traps are built by adults who want results.
Or maybe leprechaun traps are built by adults who just want to seem charming and whimsical. There's enough of that going around these days to make a lavender unicorn want to puke rainbow angel kittens.
*Much the same way you do when you pretend to be freaked out by clowns or balloons or grown men with obviously bleached out hair. (The last one I must admit is a bit disturbing.)
**That point has little to do with proving the existence of magic I just wanted to warn you to not waste you time going on nice walks with idiots. They'd be just as happy staying at home and watching TV.
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
To Victor (a song lyric)
To Victor
(a song lyric)
Coming apart...
I was coming apart at the seams
and it occurred to me
that I
was made
by a mortal hand.
My mismatched arms,
irregular hands and feet,
just pieces
stolen
for a profane plan.
Our makers are not the same,
I know my maker by his exact name.
If God is your father
then could I not claim
to be
the son of god?
A paradise
or an eternal sleep,
did you steal me from these?
Or did you pull me
from the fires of Hell?
Did you think about me
as anything more
than the winning blow
in your one sided war
on death?
Our makers are not the same
I know my maker by his exact name.
If God is your father
then could I not claim
to be
the son of god?
And what sort of god would you be?
A god of horror it would seem to me.
Me, the being,
the body
that proclaims your word
of a light,
striking soulless breath
into the stolen deaths
of pieced together lives.
Sunday, October 26, 2014
Hesitations
Hesitations
When he saw the black cat step out of some shrubbery and onto the sidewalk ahead of him he stopped walking. When the black cat saw him it froze in its place as well. The cat's eyes and his locked.
He wasn't superstitious, but for some reason that “black cat crosses your path” thing always made him hesitate momentarily when he came across an unfamiliar black cat. If the appearance of a black cat was sudden he would, just like now, actually stop walking. It was usually just a pause but it was completely involuntary.
Breaking eye contact with the black cat he smiled flatly at the unexplainable ways of the mind, made a slight and dismissive snort, and continued on his way.
When the black cat stepped onto the sidewalk and saw the man he stopped walking and stared into the man's eyes.
The black cat wasn't superstitious, but the old saying “Bad luck to the cat crossing a green-eyed man's path” usually always made him freeze in place and lock eyes with any green-eyed man he encountered.
The black cat narrowed his golden eyes slightly at the thought that he should possibly be concerned about anything that couldn't actually catch him. It was particularly absurd that he should be cautious about green eyes which, if need be, he could rather easily and quickly claw into an unrecognizable mess of blood.
The black cat looked away from the green-eyed man, gave a quick and dismissive flick of his tail, and continued on his way.
Sunday, September 28, 2014
I Wanna Be Like Steve
The summer of 1988 I was a member of the grounds staff of a campground. Everyone on staff was in their late teens to mid 20s, but it wasn't like an 80s film about summer camps as it was a church owned campground. The craziest thing we ever did was drive golf carts a bit recklessly and once we ate a chocolate cake with chopsticks.
One of the staff members was a guy named Steve. He was just out of high school, tall, athletic, and slightly goofy looking...He had a face that looked like someone from the 40s or 50s. He was good-natured , earnest, and socially inept having been raised in a very conservative religious background by parents who were grandparent age.
Steve had that particular surety about his faith and world views that a lot of 18 year old guys have, but when he made a statement it sounded like it was coming from someone much older and set in his ways. I liked to talk politics and faith with him just to hear him fluster at my more left leaning views.
Probably because of his lack of self doubt when it came to his world view I developed a song about Steve, I wanna Be Like Steve, and sang sometimes when he was being obstinate or did something right or was the first to jump in when some muscle was needed.
Steve got a kick out of the song, he even taught it to the boys in his cabin when he worked as a counselor for a week. They sort of turned it on him, when he had to be tough about lights out or goofing around they'd start singing I Wanna Be Like Steve and he'd fold.
Incidentally, I wanna Be Like Steve was written several years before the "I want to be like Mike" TV ad campaign and has nothing to do with that.
I Wanna Be Like Steve
I wanna be like Steve
6 foot 4 and slightly green
fairly smart and seldom mean
to anyone
full of youth and full of fun
knows how to get the job done...
I wanna be like Steve
I wanna be like Steve
With infrared light eyes to see
Rocks and hills, mountains and trees
for Steve to climb
with legs like trunks and arms like vines
he leaves the normal world behind
I wanna be like Steve
I wanna be like Steve
it's the only way to be
fight for truth, justice, liberty
across this land
Steve's a man's man's man's man's man
and God's gift to all women
I wanna be like Steve
One of the staff members was a guy named Steve. He was just out of high school, tall, athletic, and slightly goofy looking...He had a face that looked like someone from the 40s or 50s. He was good-natured , earnest, and socially inept having been raised in a very conservative religious background by parents who were grandparent age.
Steve had that particular surety about his faith and world views that a lot of 18 year old guys have, but when he made a statement it sounded like it was coming from someone much older and set in his ways. I liked to talk politics and faith with him just to hear him fluster at my more left leaning views.
Probably because of his lack of self doubt when it came to his world view I developed a song about Steve, I wanna Be Like Steve, and sang sometimes when he was being obstinate or did something right or was the first to jump in when some muscle was needed.
Steve got a kick out of the song, he even taught it to the boys in his cabin when he worked as a counselor for a week. They sort of turned it on him, when he had to be tough about lights out or goofing around they'd start singing I Wanna Be Like Steve and he'd fold.
Incidentally, I wanna Be Like Steve was written several years before the "I want to be like Mike" TV ad campaign and has nothing to do with that.
I Wanna Be Like Steve
I wanna be like Steve
6 foot 4 and slightly green
fairly smart and seldom mean
to anyone
full of youth and full of fun
knows how to get the job done...
I wanna be like Steve
I wanna be like Steve
With infrared light eyes to see
Rocks and hills, mountains and trees
for Steve to climb
with legs like trunks and arms like vines
he leaves the normal world behind
I wanna be like Steve
I wanna be like Steve
it's the only way to be
fight for truth, justice, liberty
across this land
Steve's a man's man's man's man's man
and God's gift to all women
I wanna be like Steve
Monday, September 1, 2014
Lessons From Movies and TV: Your Vacation Plans
Your dream vacation or relaxing weekend getaway will be anything but.
At best you'll discover that the incredible cabin your boss/buddy/cousin-in-law loaned you is in fact a derelict shack in a less than desirable location. Or the wonderful hotel you booked lost your reservation/looked better in the pamphlet/is also hosting a a large group of monkey owners and their monkeys for a weekend symposium titled "How to Deal With Your Problem Monkey."
If the cabin is awesome or the hotel is beautiful but oddly empty of other guests or your campsite is incredible then you really need to worry because your trip will be a horrific nightmare that will probably only be survived by one or two in your party.
The better looking your group is the more horrific the events will be. If there's one black guy in a group of white people he will end up dead first. If it's not the lone black guy it will be the person who has the most useful skills for the situation. (That person, of course, could be the lone black guy, but in general the lone black guy is on the trip just to be the first one dead.) Anyone who decides to take their chances and make a run for it will end up dead.
If you can get through to law enforcement (highly unlikely as there will be no cell service in the area or the lines will be down or the radio, which was working when you got there, won't be working for one reason or another) they won't believe you when you tell them of the hell going on all around you. But if they do believe you and they actually show up they will either end up dead as soon as they step out of the car or will be in cahoots with whoever or whatever is causing problems.
But don't get all relieved and relaxed if you're the lucky one or two who get home alive because the person/creature you're pretty danged sure you killed in a fantastic explosion which blew up the cabin/hotel/campsite (yet fortunately did not start a massive forest fire) will find your house. Or you will end up returning to that same cabin/hotel/campsite either out of sheer stupidity or because you're the only one who can help a group of people going through the hell you went through.
Most all of the above will apply to any cross country backpacking/hitchhiking/road trip you decide to undertake.
There is an exception to all of the above: If you didn't want to go on the trip in the first place you will probably have a life changing experience (for the better) or you will be the one who escapes the hell.
But...If you didn't want to go on the trip in the first place and everyone else in your party/on the cruise/at the resort is having a wonderful time then you will have a really horrible time and be the person who gets thrown by the horse that "anyone can ride" or wanders into the poison oak or is served a bowl of dog food instead of the stew everyone else got. But stick with it as you will learn a valuable life affirming lesson in the end.
(written 2012)
At best you'll discover that the incredible cabin your boss/buddy/cousin-in-law loaned you is in fact a derelict shack in a less than desirable location. Or the wonderful hotel you booked lost your reservation/looked better in the pamphlet/is also hosting a a large group of monkey owners and their monkeys for a weekend symposium titled "How to Deal With Your Problem Monkey."
If the cabin is awesome or the hotel is beautiful but oddly empty of other guests or your campsite is incredible then you really need to worry because your trip will be a horrific nightmare that will probably only be survived by one or two in your party.
The better looking your group is the more horrific the events will be. If there's one black guy in a group of white people he will end up dead first. If it's not the lone black guy it will be the person who has the most useful skills for the situation. (That person, of course, could be the lone black guy, but in general the lone black guy is on the trip just to be the first one dead.) Anyone who decides to take their chances and make a run for it will end up dead.
If you can get through to law enforcement (highly unlikely as there will be no cell service in the area or the lines will be down or the radio, which was working when you got there, won't be working for one reason or another) they won't believe you when you tell them of the hell going on all around you. But if they do believe you and they actually show up they will either end up dead as soon as they step out of the car or will be in cahoots with whoever or whatever is causing problems.
But don't get all relieved and relaxed if you're the lucky one or two who get home alive because the person/creature you're pretty danged sure you killed in a fantastic explosion which blew up the cabin/hotel/campsite (yet fortunately did not start a massive forest fire) will find your house. Or you will end up returning to that same cabin/hotel/campsite either out of sheer stupidity or because you're the only one who can help a group of people going through the hell you went through.
Most all of the above will apply to any cross country backpacking/hitchhiking/road trip you decide to undertake.
There is an exception to all of the above: If you didn't want to go on the trip in the first place you will probably have a life changing experience (for the better) or you will be the one who escapes the hell.
But...If you didn't want to go on the trip in the first place and everyone else in your party/on the cruise/at the resort is having a wonderful time then you will have a really horrible time and be the person who gets thrown by the horse that "anyone can ride" or wanders into the poison oak or is served a bowl of dog food instead of the stew everyone else got. But stick with it as you will learn a valuable life affirming lesson in the end.
(written 2012)
Lessons From Movies and TV: Chess
In movies and on TV no one ever plays chess just for the enjoyment of it. Chess is only played because...
The player is a genius.
The player feels obligated to not let down a chess playing father or grandfather.
The player is a spy and the moves are actually codes.
The player is missing/has been murdered/is a serial murderer and the game on the player's (or the victim's) chess board is actually a secret message. (If it's not a secret message it's a an extremely valuable clue.)
The chess game is actually a metaphor for war/the interaction between rivals/life, the universe, and everything.
The player is a genius.
The player feels obligated to not let down a chess playing father or grandfather.
The player is a spy and the moves are actually codes.
The player is missing/has been murdered/is a serial murderer and the game on the player's (or the victim's) chess board is actually a secret message. (If it's not a secret message it's a an extremely valuable clue.)
The chess game is actually a metaphor for war/the interaction between rivals/life, the universe, and everything.
Lessons From Movies and TV: Not Dying in the Bath
If you know there's someone who might want to kill you don't take a bath with a TV or a radio or any plugged in electrical appliance sitting near by. The person who wants to kill you will show up and after some pithy or innocuous dialog he/she will throw the electrical appliance into the tub with you and then you will be dead.
This is also a valuable lesson if you know there is a mystical force attempting to kill you. But the mystical force will not engage you in dialog before dumping the electrical appliance into the tub.
Also mystical forces will kill you in the tub even if there is no electrical appliance near by. So if you know there's a mystical force trying to kill you just stay away from taking baths.
If you are avoiding taking baths and opt for showers instead be sure to watch out for shower curtains as they can be used by people and mystical forces to smother or strangle you.
(written 2012)
This is also a valuable lesson if you know there is a mystical force attempting to kill you. But the mystical force will not engage you in dialog before dumping the electrical appliance into the tub.
Also mystical forces will kill you in the tub even if there is no electrical appliance near by. So if you know there's a mystical force trying to kill you just stay away from taking baths.
If you are avoiding taking baths and opt for showers instead be sure to watch out for shower curtains as they can be used by people and mystical forces to smother or strangle you.
(written 2012)
Lessons From Movies and TV
There are some things which are apparently so important for the world to know that movies and TV show them to us over and over and over again.
For example, don't worry if you get paired up with someone you can't stand on a job or project because in a fairly short period of time the two of you will be the best of friends or in love.
Some other things I've learned from movies and TV...
When you're out of bullets throw the gun.
No matter how big the event or popular the restaurant you're going to you will find a parking space right in front.
If you're trying to hide from someone hide up (on the ceiling, a ladder, a bookshelf, etc). No on ever looks up when they're looking for someone.
If you discover a bag of white powder and you're wondering if it's drugs just lick a finger, dip it in the powder, and taste it. If it tastes like drugs it probably is drugs.
Walk in to any bar or diner and not only will you find an old fashioned coin operated juke box but that juke box will have at least one really cool record in it.
If you discover something really bad about the company you work for or your boss or a powerful coworker and you tell it in confidence to a trusted colleague and the trusted colleague is shocked to hear of your discovery and then asks "Have you told anyone else this?" and you reply "No, just you." your trusted colleague will then kill you or try to kill you shortly after your revelation.
If you're going away for the weekend and you don't think your teenage kids will have a party they will have a party, even if you tell them not to have a party.
If you're a cop and a suspect is running away don't bother hollering "Stop in the name of the law!" or "Stop! Police!" because they will not stop.
(written 2012)
For example, don't worry if you get paired up with someone you can't stand on a job or project because in a fairly short period of time the two of you will be the best of friends or in love.
Some other things I've learned from movies and TV...
When you're out of bullets throw the gun.
No matter how big the event or popular the restaurant you're going to you will find a parking space right in front.
If you're trying to hide from someone hide up (on the ceiling, a ladder, a bookshelf, etc). No on ever looks up when they're looking for someone.
If you discover a bag of white powder and you're wondering if it's drugs just lick a finger, dip it in the powder, and taste it. If it tastes like drugs it probably is drugs.
Walk in to any bar or diner and not only will you find an old fashioned coin operated juke box but that juke box will have at least one really cool record in it.
If you discover something really bad about the company you work for or your boss or a powerful coworker and you tell it in confidence to a trusted colleague and the trusted colleague is shocked to hear of your discovery and then asks "Have you told anyone else this?" and you reply "No, just you." your trusted colleague will then kill you or try to kill you shortly after your revelation.
If you're going away for the weekend and you don't think your teenage kids will have a party they will have a party, even if you tell them not to have a party.
If you're a cop and a suspect is running away don't bother hollering "Stop in the name of the law!" or "Stop! Police!" because they will not stop.
(written 2012)
Consumer
I'm excited about the new Nature Valley granola product I saw earlier today in Target. I'm so excited I decided not to buy it and just ride the thrill for awhile.
Later today, at home eating cheese and crackers, I saw an ad on TV for the new Nature Valley granola product. I didn't regret having not purchased the product and it was kind of exciting to see a new product on TV that I had just seen in the store. Not as exciting as seeing a prop in a movie that I or someone I know owns, but still exciting.
(written 8/31/2010)
Later today, at home eating cheese and crackers, I saw an ad on TV for the new Nature Valley granola product. I didn't regret having not purchased the product and it was kind of exciting to see a new product on TV that I had just seen in the store. Not as exciting as seeing a prop in a movie that I or someone I know owns, but still exciting.
(written 8/31/2010)
Nonsense, Nothing, and You
You.
You and your blank stare and a slight wetness at the back of your lips as you read and hope to see something happen in front of your eyes.
Sorry, that isn't going to happen.
What is going on right now as I write now is nothing.
Nothing is happening in front of your eyes.
In your mind the nothing is just creating the vaguest spark of something, much like a battery which has just enough juice in it to make you believe what you want to happen is going to happen but there's not enough juice to see it through.
This isn't about the juice of your mind, this is about the juice of my words which are so juice-less they're like a handful of cornflakes in your mind's mouth.
Your mind is chewing and you're thinking "These words would go much better with milk, I wonder if anyone has ever thought of that."
(Yes, they have.)
Having thought the above you also think "These dry words taste like cornflakes and cornflakes without milk and sugar essentially taste like wallpaper paste."
And you're right.
But what I want to know is: When did you taste wallpaper paste?
(written 8/30/10)
You and your blank stare and a slight wetness at the back of your lips as you read and hope to see something happen in front of your eyes.
Sorry, that isn't going to happen.
What is going on right now as I write now is nothing.
Nothing is happening in front of your eyes.
In your mind the nothing is just creating the vaguest spark of something, much like a battery which has just enough juice in it to make you believe what you want to happen is going to happen but there's not enough juice to see it through.
This isn't about the juice of your mind, this is about the juice of my words which are so juice-less they're like a handful of cornflakes in your mind's mouth.
Your mind is chewing and you're thinking "These words would go much better with milk, I wonder if anyone has ever thought of that."
(Yes, they have.)
Having thought the above you also think "These dry words taste like cornflakes and cornflakes without milk and sugar essentially taste like wallpaper paste."
And you're right.
But what I want to know is: When did you taste wallpaper paste?
(written 8/30/10)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)